2010 20TEN LOVE & IMPACT, CONSEQUENTIAL MOMENTS

I wouldn't identify 2010 as a turbulent year. Loran & I went to Minnesota in Feb, 2010 which was a brief but nice trip. He got to know his cousins more. The house I was living in foreclosed around March but the landlords didn't bother to tell me until there was an inadvertent sign in their bedroom which was a room that lead to the laundry room. I qualified for low income housing in August by a stroke of luck and moved in by Sept. 7. However, on 8-14-2010, my father died which jumbled up my universe and timeline of thought, relationships and life spans. My father, elusive most of his life had a gentler quality these last few years but a girlfriend who barricaded an intimate relationship with us, his kids. I never felt like my father fully belonged to me. His mind was always on some distant shore or relishing some past pain from WWII, his brother's sudden death or the crippling effect of corporate life. Although he managed to retire by age 56, he had a downcast spirit about him his whole life. Anyways, my Fall 2010 was super busy. I worked 28 hours a week and atttended college full time. I also worked split shifts and often had to shuffle my son home between shifts. My son's school was 10 miles from work and 14 miles from home so I drove the golden triangle repeatedly. I became closer with the night staff and enjoyed the company of Joe A. and J.P. Mr. Walker's humour continues to challenge me and be more quick witted myself. Cindy and I have grown closer. Some of the teachers became more demanding and bossy but I learned how to deal with it. Overall, I really couldn't ask for a nicer staff. Needless to say, It is now December. My last hurdle was finishing up a few papers and I was finally relieved from work for three weeks and school for a month on Dec.18. I allowed myself some down time but notice I am driven to hyperness and errand running and constant activity. I went shopping 2 or 3 days but briefly. Shopping isn't really my thing. I spent more time getting cards together and pictures to send in them for Christmas. I had a lovely lunch this past week at the Good Earth restaurant, a throw back from the 70s. I know Minnesota had Good Earth stores of some kind with health food. I also started my own radio show this year with Ernest L. Sewell, one of my long term BFFs. I have had Pastor Ken Anderson, Bob Graf, Timothy and Nate Phelps on the show as well as featuring stories about Larry Rosebaugh's life, emotional conflict, Election 2000, Integrity, Athiesm, and Westboro Baptist Church and a few more. I hope you can join me for one of my broadcasts Sunday nights at 7 p.m. Its my new baby and I put a lot of work into it. I am also working on a novel and screenplay. More to be announced on those projects. Merry Christmas!!!! www.blogtalkradio.com/ernestradionetwork

Political Gravity with Jane Hoffman - Election 2010

Political Gravity with Jane Hoffman - Election 2010

Win or lose, we as a nation have lost as a whole.

If your faith in Obama is transient and your faith in a leader has an expiration date of two years, then you are not a faithful servant of American or its good.

Yes, I am talking extremes because the collective hatred by rightists toward Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and the most recent trend towards Obama is institutionalized hatred.

I dare you to take a walk with me as Pink would say, down my road to redefining America to a point where it can recuperate from divisional hatred.

I DARE YOU to play the traditional foreign policy game of the prisoner's dilemma. You are the prisoner. You live and breathe in a place called Hate, better known as Modern Day America. Breathe love and you will expose Hate. Try to survive in the close minded world of the hate mongers - the Rush's, the Ann Coulters, the Sean Hannity's and the self exalted.

No room for pragmatists like Dennis Praeger or Larry Elder.

Its a two edged sword in the battle of extremes. You will get lessons on how to combat the lessons of poltical hate from the well endowed right wing media. And you will learn how to combat it through intellect, trust, compassion and absence of fear.

LISTEN IN SUNDAY NIGHTS AT 7 P.M CENTRAL TO POLITICAL GRAVITY WITH JANE HOFFMAN 347-989-1942

Between the intention and the delivery

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ernestradionetwork/2010/11/08/political-gravity-with-jane-hoffman If anyone knows anything about American politics, is that the ying and the yang are more like a boulder on top of hill, ready to fall on the lone bystander 300 feet down. The end will come as well as the beginning of new suffering. The Republican mantra is really about inflicting pain on others as well as absence of comfort. When you think about it, its like a Christian with conviction with no real love. Remember 1 Corinthians 13 - If I have have everything but no love, I am nothing. (paraphrased). The Republican is like the Pharisee, claiming their higher authority and looking down on anyone who lacks their frame of reference. So you want to end abortion but will condemn the woman who has the illegitimate child and accept public assistance. So you think national health care implementation is out of the scope of government and will cause destruction, yet you still tolerate illegal immigrants receiving free health care, welfare families getting free and subsidized health care vs. a system where everyone pays either through their company or individually and the health care is guaranteed. Where is the social good mantra? If the self righteous Republican, Christians included, want God and Jesus in government then you are going to have to implement the philosophy of Jesus into your daily lives and as a citizen of government. That means, you will have to give all you have to the poor as Jesus mandates, follow him by first giving up your material comfort, lay down your life for your brother, feed clothe and help your fellow man. That should be the sole mission of every Christian. Is to relieve the pain and suffering of others. For right wing Christians who want full entrance and authority in the public sphere which is inclusive of all factions of citizens including gays, pacifists, and socialists, supplementation for human needs must be met by provisional government. In other words, you cannot impress your own self imposed needs based models on the diverse citizenry. You must honor their definition of life, liberty and happiness? Are you up for the job? In 30 years, the Christian right has proven one thing. They are oppressive, elitists and not capable of reflecting Christ. They support wars where 21 yr olds die for bad foreign policy making. They support eliminating food stamps for the poor like in Wisconsin as Tommy Thompson did. They are non-compassionate. They are failures and fuelers of hatred. As a Christian on the left, I denounce their claim to exist morally in politics. I will refute the Christian right who has proven time over they do not reflect the only deity worth emanating: Jesus. Come follow me to the Christian left on blogtalk radio on the Ernest Radio Network and join the discussion Sunday nights from 7-8 p.m. Pacific: Political Gravity with Jane Hoffman 347-989-1942 When will the other shoe drop and America's lack of compassion and hatred result in real suffering? The way we treat our fellow citizens will bring judgment day to a rapid advancement on how God will handle Christians who spread hatred. Sean Hannity is the number one hate-monger and it is his mission to destroy Obama.

Its a hate or love world that center divides us
ritualizes custom than snakes you by the other
the Triune God in whom I believe
harnesses the stone and refines the truth
I am breaking like a multi vessel streaming to the ground
the blood in my hands traveling thru the crevasses on down
into the river of sorrow
broken by the sword
of the painful truth he spoke
and the reaction he ignored
plunge me to death a life of another
of those who cause me pain over and over
I no longer exist
I take the hemlock gladly
Dr. Kervorkian supplied my ad on google
covet my death
remove my life
unloosen the chains
that bring me strife

Life as it is.

Things have changed for me in a comforting sort of way. I no longer have to worry financially. But in the bigger picture that makes life manageable, my ingrained character makes me dedicated to the cause - of work, school and child-rearing. Without the basic structure of my existence, I cannot rest on my laurels. God's plan is for us to fulfill his purpose. With more money, I could start my own ministry but I don't have a big enuff income to sustain myself. So I will persist in my academic goals until I get to a place where I can fully support myself.

With my father recently dying, I realize I am the next generation to take on the fulfillment of my time and be representation of the values my parents project into me. Each child holds components of their parent's aura and I can cling to certain aspects of my upbringing that are forthright. I was raised in a a good Lutheran church with good pastors. I believe by 2013, the Second coming of Christ will occur. I believe that finanical upheaval will continue to plague America and until we modify our existence away from monetary dependency, our quality of life will be the never ending rat race. I think many Californians in my area have turned to Christ in the last 2 years, esp. the Spanish and Korean community. But just as many have to gnosticism, self fulfillment and spiritual groping in the darkness. At the center of our existence, we need to spread light and unconditional love to all of those around us. We have to perpetuate that all gifts are from God and there is only one path to salvation, Jesus Christ. It is not a factual grasp, it is a spiritual transformation bestowed on chosen individuals by Christ himself.

I have been surrounded by intellectual arrogance the last few years at the university and by some of my classmates. Their rational objectivity that they perceive is really limited knowledge of religion. It was man himself who created pragmatism and the basis of empirical thought. Man cannot trranscend himself alone either physically or mentally. God has a place in man's life. If someone willing understands the Gospel and refuses it, God allowed that option. God just impressed that we present it to each person. He has to do the work in their heart. I have more to say about this but I have an assignment due now in class.

Relevance, a poem

Coming home then back
to bury a father
while my heart lay under attack
the home I long for
Minnesota dream
becomes a revolving door of necessity
Locked in L.A.
for a dry run
the road to success
repaired then undone
no longer entertainment
no longer capturnig souls
with my fame and delight
its been a good year since I let go
Branden washed in self absorption
Edison only wants some of the gold
that I spread around in the nineties
then turned to nickel shoal
My life towards Christ
is the road I choose
and all I see is half torn souls
on the streets of L.A.
arise oh, ministry
re-open the gates
so I can safeguard fantasy
and avoid fate
drinking communion wine
from a paper cup
spilled on the church carpet
for a sin to erupt
exorcise the vengeance
delegate the shame
Cast for in silence
Larry Welch is to blame.

Relative calmness

The threshold of my week was capitulated by a stroke by my father. My father, who seemed to streamline through life the last few years and I just talked to in an ordinary conversation...is now in a hospital unable to speak and function properly and may be facing eternity shortly. The urgency hasn't grasped onto me yet. I cannot travel to Minnesota til next week. Both my twin sister and my older sister flew in yesterday from Cali to Minnesota. My older sister is the power of attorney and has to make medical decisions.

I am in Outpost 41, the normal wear and tear of everyday life of L.A. and feel strangely marginalized by the event. I had a good relationship with my father until this happened and I have no regrets. He was a better man in his latter years and didn't seem to get his feathers ruffled as often. He still had acute cognitive functioning. I felt that we mended our fences and settled our differences. I wonder how much he can process now as he lies in the hospital bed, waiting on the mercy of others to help him. I will have more reflections later on this weekend.

A path for the chosen

Sometimes even as Christians, we do not have a way to release our pain. I have been burdened lately by situations stemming from my childhood. Part of it has to do with the interfacing on Facebook and daily reminders of people I knew from childhood. Not everyone on FB really is my friend. I thought about making a new category for known acquaintances called "Emotionally Unavailable." I would like to drop them as my friend, one in particular, but the history is so long between our families, it would seem as if a piece of my childhood would be forever gone. God is weeding my past to cultivate my future. Some people no longer belong in my life and have not for a long time. I have two hometown friends on the West Coast now that I share a stronger bond with. I am still looking North for relief. My vagabond tendencies are taking me in a new direction. If I settle back in Minnesota, I will live in Lanesboro or Mankato. If I go up to live with Gina, it will be Spokane, Wa. Thats all for now...back to work.

Michael Jackson Tribute Radio Show - 1 year anniversary

This edition of the Ernest Experience Radio Show with Brandi Walker from Wyldflow3r, myself, Chris Johnson from Paisley Radio and the host, Ernest Sewell IV of the Ernest Experience Radio Show is a commemoration of Michael Jackson's music with some commentary on his life and his legacy. Follow the link.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ernestexperienceradioshow/2010/06/26/michael-jackson--a-tribute-51-years-in-the-making

Please listen. I was honored to be on the show and part of the King of Pop's memory making.

Telling the full truth

I had an awful day....things are tough for me now....the Craigs list scam was a nail in my future coffin. I was scammed by a market research person in Colorado who mailed me an authentic looking check for $2,500. all i did was sign up for a research market survey and the next day a $2,500 check arrived. I remember looking at it and thinking....is this real? Could this really happen to me? Life did become more brutal that day....which was a Wednesday. I got a check, I took it to the bank and B of A wouldn't cash it becuz it didn't have my middle name on the check. So I took it to my bank and deposited it and within a 1/2 hour the bank mgr called to tell me the B o f A in Atlanta wouldn't honor it. I felt so light and happy that I had a check to cover my debts and all of a sudden it was torn away from me in an exact instant. But moreso, I felt like I had been blessed and that this blessing that came outta nowhere came from God. Now it just feels like a twisted life lesson. I was a gullible fish in a pond of con artists. The person spent $24.53 in overnight express mail to send it directly to my house. It seems rather tragic that someone would spend that money to see a boomerang effect to ultimately screw up someone 's life and ruin my bank account potentially. It is a tragic fact. If it wasn't for the fast action of the bank mgr at my unmentioned bank, I would be facing even bounced check charges. Now its just a sadly mistaken backlash. By the way, the check was issued through ExxonMobil so now I have to tell them about the scam. The cute little personal banker who had a leigh on at Bof A today for the fourth of July said the scam people did a good job creating the check. It had four to five security features on it.

Despair

doctrine bleeding
from pre conditioned corridors
bound by ritual
broken by lease
misplaced desire
unfufilled trust
burning emblem
on the back of my jeans
breakaway to the outer banks
of the Mississippi, and Cape Fear
her soul scattered in a thousand places
her life forgotten
on the windy shore
of discomfort
pride swallowed
on Pilgrims's Rock
where only God can remember.

jdh
7.01.10

Wiseblood

I am weaving this blog from a novel by Flannery O'Connor and my former friend, Maureen. The central character in the novel is someone who used to be into Jesus but begins to display behavior that avoids Jesus due to his unrepented sin. He becomes downright ugly about denying Jesus which as Christians know is soul wrenching to do so. He almost at the level of blashpheming the Holy Spirit. He is a dark protagonist.

In a similar but not such a dramatic sense, I waited 6 years for a response from a former Stoughtonite. When I got it, it was rather raw and obtrusive....and rude. She complained about her own life in a way that I should have sensed it. She cliched herself as a tag, a miner's daughter tag. I couldn't actually have had empathy for someone who did not appear to have a pulse for six years. She insinuated I didn't have any comprehension on how I might have paid her bills. Could I have known or probed or sent a band radio signal that this was on my radar? I figured she was upset about her divorce and leave it alone. If you needed the old man around for the mortgage, why ax him?

All of these questions are blanks in mind formation in an imaginary conclave that no one could fill but her. Her, pent up and expressionless in her questioning glare in a vacant room of sixth sense apparitions. Designed in part for the world to see, her bleeding sorrow, her unforrgiveness, her concealed love.

Literary Influences

This is a link to my literary website. http://sites.google.com/site/postworldwariiwriters/ Here you will find the origin of my literary influences which continue to be.

I am currently reading Illumination and Night Glare....Carson McCuller's unfinished autobiography.

Serendipity

Its hard to pick out what one likes to do when their life is one big rollercoaster of obligation. I am a single mother of a special needs 11 year old who is intelligent but has emotional troubles. I have two jobs and have 11 credits in college. Now that college ended for the semester, I feel kind of washed up and out of the zone. I spent 5 nights in a row till 3 a.m. tinkering and adding assignments to my website. We had to do a website for class including many assignments like layer masking, creating online quizzes, screen capturing all our work, you name it. It was exhausting and challenging all at the same time.

Today I feel like an unplugged robot. My arms barely move, my legs are like water logged tree trunks, I am drained. A battery of about 4 ESL sucks at English people called about my car. Not one of them followed through on the time of arrival to see it. I pulled the ad and am keeping it another week. The State of California pays $1000 for a non operating vehicle. If these people can't get to my house on time for the deal of the century, screw it.

I am frustrated that I cannot pick up and go on holiday now. I have 1 more month of work and so does my son. My son's aunt is having a baby in July. So we need to go to Minnesota either three weeks b4 she is due or a month later. We are going to Spokane, Washington on June 18 if all goes well. all for now, too tired to finish.

Plagued dispositions of cruel friendships

When there is time to work things out and Christian effort is put forth to make a sincere approach, it is not often reciprocated. Maureen Betti-lyon and Cathy P. are two people who were in my life. I am glad Cathy is out because she does not recognize the true level of friendship. She is very judgmental herself and since youth has rejected God, the Catholic Church and the main precepts of Christianity. Maureen has a kind disposition but a lack of forgiveness towards her ex husband and others that make her constantly tortured by her own recompense. These people I have let go of, but they plague me from time to time like shadowy villians on a makeshift stage of collapsing cinder. Beneath is the sandstone and limestone where they graze like lost cattle over their doomsday past.

Maureen left her husband because he was taking energy pills and in her mind, too many. He was a route driver and needed the legal pills to get his through the work day. Right or wrong, is it enough to abandon a marriage with three kids? I just thought it was inconsequential. He wasn't cheating on her. She always evoked a sense of disapproval around him like he was not quite adequate. She frustrated him. In the end, after 20 some years of marriage, it ended abruptly and she had a boyfriend within 2 months. Most of the people who lived in Stoughton, about half of them are gone now. Cindy, who lost a child like me, left her husband, too. Karen left her husband for her physical therapist. Only Jasmine, Rochelle, and a few others remain married. I am venting now but eventually I will write a novel about Stoughton.

PROJECT GRAD LOS ANGELES

HAS BECOME WEAKER UNDER ERIK OSUGI'S LEADERSHIP. THEY HAVE BECOME VULNERABLE DUE TO FORD ROOSEVELT'S SHORTCOMINGS. AND THEY HAVE BROKEN ANY HONOR OF ACCOUNTABILITY AND THIS BLOG IS A CALL TO ACTION.

PASS HEALTH CARE REFORM

This is my letter to Brad Sherman, my congressman I wrote today to pass health care.



Thank You for Contacting Brad
The following information was received by our office.
03/19/2010 14:33
Ms. Jane Hoffman
englishcrush@yahoo.com
Your message:I am a student at Cal State Northridge. I am also a medi-cal recipient as a single parent and receive full health care as does my son. I am thankful that California provides health care to me as a low income mother. I have single friends who do not have health care and have to depend on free clinics or low cost nominal fee clinics. UCLA did dental work on my friend and messed up her teeth and she got a 15% discount. It is my desire as a low income mother and a Masters degree political science graduate to ensure that every American is as privileged as me to have accessible health care. In 1992, when I was married and I had a daughter at age 20 months who died while having heart transplant surgery, my husband and I paid our own premiums for health care with a large deductible. My husband had a salary of 25,000 as a parochial principal and I was a stay at home mom with a terminally ill child. Not until our expenses reached over $10,000 did the State of Wisconsin kick in some help. They only provided about $100 in special nutritional milk for our daughter. Our daughter died in the end of a failed heart transplant because the other heart they transplanted did not work (from cardiomyopthy - the diagnosis), but I know what getting free health care is when you are struggling vs. paying for it while still working but being low income. Health Care may not be a God -given right but if our country cares about the well being and optimal performance of our citizens, it is a mandate that Americans could pay into and support. Please hear me out. I am one of the few people who has benefited from government. I am not a free loader. I am a full time teaching credential student, a single mom and a part time worker. I know that passing health care will create more jobs and intrinsically bring more connectiveness of the people to their government. Americans feel tired upon by mean spirited Republicans who deny us any help. Sincerely, Jane Hoffman

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I have been able to trust in God

but probably moreso from the backside. Trusting, obeying, slipping into doubt at times. Is there a handicap score for living in the End Times? When I continued to battle a corporate guillotine operator over my past job performance, I was offered another job. A better organization, no politics, and a missionary permissible position meaning I am helping adults improve academicially. I am sharing few details in the possiblity the wrong people may read this. This job will allow me to work with young adults in the educational process who are struggling but want to succeed. I did not need to seek legitmacy through my former boss, Elizabeth, who has been nothing but cowardly the last year. She has forsaken God in her cowardness. I read a verse in 1 Corinthians 15 about cowardness and turning away from the Lord. What does it mean when people just choose over time not to believe in God? Daniel C. said its either a bad experience with their conception of God or just not a proper upbringing about who God is. I don't think we should limit people to their conception of God but once they become believers they must adhere to biblical precepts. Its part of the religion. In the case of my former boss, she has a 4 yr old who has leukemia. He has a great chance of surviving. But I know her disdain with God has something to do with this burden. I don't know if she specifically blames or hates God but she says things like "I have to go to the movies so I can escape my horrible life." I told her the night my daughter died, I felt a sense of overwrought guilt that I did not follow my path of faith more diligently. I didn't pray every night and beg God to keep my daughter alive. i often walked around in a half daze, wondering how my young daughter of 8 months could have cardiomyopothy and be on 6 meds a day? How could my daughter develop thrush and drop down to 14 lbs at 18 months? I empathize with Elizabeth's sense of godly abandonment. But I do not think she should wear her chosen brand of aethiesm as a badge or a default position that she will receive less pain in life just because she denies an after life. She is in a phase of confused anger and doubt. And yet she looks to herself, a mere mortal for the answers and strength. She has a stay at home husband who does a lot of the child rearing. They decided to have one parent stay home as they have a 2 yr old. But what if what if? What if her Tuesday night escape to the movies is not going to cushion her from a possible death of her son or a setback she will be unprepared for? What if her benign lack of confrontation on life's greatest questions and God's direct call for following him crumbles into a wishy washy non affirmation of his presence? What if her son lives and thrives and overcomes the disease fully? Will she thank him or just give a sigh of relief like some swinging metal ball missed her longeivity of life by two feet? What if her son has a prolonged illness with no prognosis and she sits in medical purgatory for years not knowing the outcome? Will she grow stronger or just fade? She has let her weight and health go as well and she is becoming more disabled every year. I had a dream she carried a cane and it kept getting in the way of the children....what if Elizabeth? what if your fear of failure and fear of criticism prevents you from understanding your lot in life and spiritual direction for finding a way out? This is a petition to the darkest corners of your soul.

Rational vs. Spiritual drought

When emotions run in from dissected portions of our life, they interfere with the higher thinking intended not to produce sorrow and scorn. Shortly after Barb died, a day later, I woke up to the Monday morning doom of not being able to be an employee anymore of my previous job. One I chose to quit and the other I was terminated from. In retrospect, the second job I was terminated from was only 8 hours a week. So why it created such a negative storm of energy within me is incomprehensible. The incident is still affecting my way of life today, how I act, what I plan to do, what I think of myself. It is depressing. I have pressed on for an answer and given none. In this at will state, the employer feels no privilege to give you an answer or even elaborate on that aspect. There was one nice person at a college who took the time to explain but he was still somewhat callous and detached. I have lost regard for Nona who in her stalwart Uzbechistan ways presents herself as a face of rationalism, but dwindles to a soldier of conscienceless objection. Her pity emits from the wrong secretions and her arrow of justice is a malformed corporate sword dividing half and full truths. She is a reflection of her own fear and a disciple of twisted obedience. Her modus operandi is subservient to a power of scandal and non examination. Her higher power is her paycheck. Her disdain is non reflection. She is an arrow in my own heart.

- When hatred wells, it dissipates into flints of arrows

Jack in the Box redeemed themselves

A nice lady called today and offered to send me a gift certificate in lieu of my bad experience there. More on this later.