Telling the full truth

I had an awful day....things are tough for me now....the Craigs list scam was a nail in my future coffin. I was scammed by a market research person in Colorado who mailed me an authentic looking check for $2,500. all i did was sign up for a research market survey and the next day a $2,500 check arrived. I remember looking at it and thinking....is this real? Could this really happen to me? Life did become more brutal that day....which was a Wednesday. I got a check, I took it to the bank and B of A wouldn't cash it becuz it didn't have my middle name on the check. So I took it to my bank and deposited it and within a 1/2 hour the bank mgr called to tell me the B o f A in Atlanta wouldn't honor it. I felt so light and happy that I had a check to cover my debts and all of a sudden it was torn away from me in an exact instant. But moreso, I felt like I had been blessed and that this blessing that came outta nowhere came from God. Now it just feels like a twisted life lesson. I was a gullible fish in a pond of con artists. The person spent $24.53 in overnight express mail to send it directly to my house. It seems rather tragic that someone would spend that money to see a boomerang effect to ultimately screw up someone 's life and ruin my bank account potentially. It is a tragic fact. If it wasn't for the fast action of the bank mgr at my unmentioned bank, I would be facing even bounced check charges. Now its just a sadly mistaken backlash. By the way, the check was issued through ExxonMobil so now I have to tell them about the scam. The cute little personal banker who had a leigh on at Bof A today for the fourth of July said the scam people did a good job creating the check. It had four to five security features on it.

Despair

doctrine bleeding
from pre conditioned corridors
bound by ritual
broken by lease
misplaced desire
unfufilled trust
burning emblem
on the back of my jeans
breakaway to the outer banks
of the Mississippi, and Cape Fear
her soul scattered in a thousand places
her life forgotten
on the windy shore
of discomfort
pride swallowed
on Pilgrims's Rock
where only God can remember.

jdh
7.01.10

Wiseblood

I am weaving this blog from a novel by Flannery O'Connor and my former friend, Maureen. The central character in the novel is someone who used to be into Jesus but begins to display behavior that avoids Jesus due to his unrepented sin. He becomes downright ugly about denying Jesus which as Christians know is soul wrenching to do so. He almost at the level of blashpheming the Holy Spirit. He is a dark protagonist.

In a similar but not such a dramatic sense, I waited 6 years for a response from a former Stoughtonite. When I got it, it was rather raw and obtrusive....and rude. She complained about her own life in a way that I should have sensed it. She cliched herself as a tag, a miner's daughter tag. I couldn't actually have had empathy for someone who did not appear to have a pulse for six years. She insinuated I didn't have any comprehension on how I might have paid her bills. Could I have known or probed or sent a band radio signal that this was on my radar? I figured she was upset about her divorce and leave it alone. If you needed the old man around for the mortgage, why ax him?

All of these questions are blanks in mind formation in an imaginary conclave that no one could fill but her. Her, pent up and expressionless in her questioning glare in a vacant room of sixth sense apparitions. Designed in part for the world to see, her bleeding sorrow, her unforrgiveness, her concealed love.