Thursday, February 4, 2010

I have been able to trust in God

but probably moreso from the backside. Trusting, obeying, slipping into doubt at times. Is there a handicap score for living in the End Times? When I continued to battle a corporate guillotine operator over my past job performance, I was offered another job. A better organization, no politics, and a missionary permissible position meaning I am helping adults improve academicially. I am sharing few details in the possiblity the wrong people may read this. This job will allow me to work with young adults in the educational process who are struggling but want to succeed. I did not need to seek legitmacy through my former boss, Elizabeth, who has been nothing but cowardly the last year. She has forsaken God in her cowardness. I read a verse in 1 Corinthians 15 about cowardness and turning away from the Lord. What does it mean when people just choose over time not to believe in God? Daniel C. said its either a bad experience with their conception of God or just not a proper upbringing about who God is. I don't think we should limit people to their conception of God but once they become believers they must adhere to biblical precepts. Its part of the religion. In the case of my former boss, she has a 4 yr old who has leukemia. He has a great chance of surviving. But I know her disdain with God has something to do with this burden. I don't know if she specifically blames or hates God but she says things like "I have to go to the movies so I can escape my horrible life." I told her the night my daughter died, I felt a sense of overwrought guilt that I did not follow my path of faith more diligently. I didn't pray every night and beg God to keep my daughter alive. i often walked around in a half daze, wondering how my young daughter of 8 months could have cardiomyopothy and be on 6 meds a day? How could my daughter develop thrush and drop down to 14 lbs at 18 months? I empathize with Elizabeth's sense of godly abandonment. But I do not think she should wear her chosen brand of aethiesm as a badge or a default position that she will receive less pain in life just because she denies an after life. She is in a phase of confused anger and doubt. And yet she looks to herself, a mere mortal for the answers and strength. She has a stay at home husband who does a lot of the child rearing. They decided to have one parent stay home as they have a 2 yr old. But what if what if? What if her Tuesday night escape to the movies is not going to cushion her from a possible death of her son or a setback she will be unprepared for? What if her benign lack of confrontation on life's greatest questions and God's direct call for following him crumbles into a wishy washy non affirmation of his presence? What if her son lives and thrives and overcomes the disease fully? Will she thank him or just give a sigh of relief like some swinging metal ball missed her longeivity of life by two feet? What if her son has a prolonged illness with no prognosis and she sits in medical purgatory for years not knowing the outcome? Will she grow stronger or just fade? She has let her weight and health go as well and she is becoming more disabled every year. I had a dream she carried a cane and it kept getting in the way of the children....what if Elizabeth? what if your fear of failure and fear of criticism prevents you from understanding your lot in life and spiritual direction for finding a way out? This is a petition to the darkest corners of your soul.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Rational vs. Spiritual drought

When emotions run in from dissected portions of our life, they interfere with the higher thinking intended not to produce sorrow and scorn. Shortly after Barb died, a day later, I woke up to the Monday morning doom of not being able to be an employee anymore of my previous job. One I chose to quit and the other I was terminated from. In retrospect, the second job I was terminated from was only 8 hours a week. So why it created such a negative storm of energy within me is incomprehensible. The incident is still affecting my way of life today, how I act, what I plan to do, what I think of myself. It is depressing. I have pressed on for an answer and given none. In this at will state, the employer feels no privilege to give you an answer or even elaborate on that aspect. There was one nice person at a college who took the time to explain but he was still somewhat callous and detached. I have lost regard for Nona who in her stalwart Uzbechistan ways presents herself as a face of rationalism, but dwindles to a soldier of conscienceless objection. Her pity emits from the wrong secretions and her arrow of justice is a malformed corporate sword dividing half and full truths. She is a reflection of her own fear and a disciple of twisted obedience. Her modus operandi is subservient to a power of scandal and non examination. Her higher power is her paycheck. Her disdain is non reflection. She is an arrow in my own heart.

- When hatred wells, it dissipates into flints of arrows