Saved by the man with the white pony tail.

Between the black and white world of corporate pirahnas, fish feeding comparisons and performance output, I met a Bohemian dude with a pony tail and naturally aged whiten hair to round off my week. He is my supervisor's supervisor and has more class, kindness and finesse than any of the corporate pitbulls I have dealt with all week. He made promises and commitments to get to the bottom of "it." He was a well wisher, a good listener and ended the meeting with the phrase "Ciao." He didn't have an agenda. He didn't pre judge the situation. He just took it all in. I erased my last blog becuz it was leftover anger from the clash of personalites and incomplete blanks of faces, facts and power. My new friend exercised no mismanaged power, didn't even seem to possess it - he instead have a calm authority, a corner office with comfort and a tinge of afternoon darkness over a pre empted Christmas holiday week. He had compassion that the other Non profit lacks. Most of all, he had wisdom to seek not to speak and his eyes gave assurance in the same way as Jesus and St. Claus. I feel I am being led down a new path, away from the haters and those who don't even question. Who assume and wish for the mess to remain just spilled on the terrain.

From here to eternity

It has really been a tedious weekend and all. I wrote three papers. Two papers were for history - the Salton Sea and John Muir. The other paper was an analytical one involving a student at my middle school. I have really had a tormented decision making process about going back to the tundra for Christmas. I did not reserve the big check that I recvd. Nov 6 and manage my money perfectly right. Now I am struggling again, I have enuff savings but I dont want to be pinching pennies in MN. Needless to say, the struggle continues btwn. the significance of my son's father and the role his family plays. They are supportive of me when I come, but due to my lifestyle and finances, I don't really owe them a visit if its going to cramp my lifestyle. Well, its really too depressing to think about but I have to be realistic. I hope it all works out in the end.

Sexual Rehab TV Show

When I first heard they were doing a tv show w Dr. Drew on Sex Rehab I kind of thought, how indulgent. But then when I watched it last night, I realized how many people in this country have fallen in traps of sexual addiction either to remedy themselves, prove their worth, or pure lack of moral values. One rock star guy had sex with 3,000 women over a 3 yr period. Sex was just a casual ritual, he probably didn't even know half their names. Another girl who was Miss Teen USA was molested from age 5 to 7 and couldn't answer any honest questions about herself. She was really a tragic figure who seemed mentally suppressed. Besides clinical help, people need to find God's will for their life and how God values them. They can never learn that from therapy alone. They were tricked by Satan and the world that indulging in pleasures will make you more valid or popular. Some of them do not even have one true friend such as Miss Teen USA who said she had 90 names on her phone and couldn't call anyone for help. American society is really fucked up to create such fragile people such of these who are pursuing fame, relishing fame and abusing fame. They are all celebs on the show who have fallen in Satan's trap and someone needs to show them pure love.

Its..............Branden's..........Birthday

He is 29 now, on the cusp of real adulthood but he is still wrapped up with childish desires. His mantra is Dodger mania, sexual fantasy....I am so different from him I realized. Sports is a healthy enuff outlet but its shallow, its not the foundation of life. I am goal oriented and have a salvation complex...I am no longer going to pick romantic partners based on my saviour complex.

Loran's dad is back in the picture and I will honor that. We will either spend a year in Liberia or he will fly back here. Time will tell.

Neglecting this page/journal writing

I feel that I have neglected my blogger page and I really have so much to tell. This blogger page is different than my my space page or even Facebook Notes. This page is a representation of who I am as a person. It combines my philosophical beliefs about religion, government, international politics as well as my personal journey as a middle aged woman from the Midwest to California.


I have had an identity crisis the last year and a half or so. My id/ego has wanted to retransport back to the Midwest but circumstances and God's divine will has not allowed that. California has benefitted me in a way that has been backhanded in a sense. Every time something else fell through with my plans, God showed me a reason for continuing to stay here. I have good public assistance which is now occupationally oriented. I am no longer on cash aid but get support because I am working for transportation and other misc. items. Anyways, God did allow me to wait it out and everything came together to be enrolled in the teaching program which is a long, arduous process. You have to clearance by the state, you have to pass a few tests,....I already had my references....there are some other hurdles as well. Csun didn't accept us till the week before school and it was a bitch getting our financial aid underway. I hadn't even officially re applied to the university, how stupid of me. I finally got my financial aid on Sept. 18, and it allowed me to pay off two credit cards, my life insurance and my sons and other extenuating bills.

Well, my son has the flu today....hopefully not the swine flu.....and I have to go make him toast. Over and out.

General Thoughts

Well, its Monday and I am slowly swimming back into humanity. I have four papers to write 2nite...which I forgot about it. They are all for one class. This weekend was a whirlwind....Friday night I went to the Michael Moore movie....then ate at a friend at Dennys till 3....Saturday I took Loran, Blake to movies and ran errands then picked up Christina in the Valley to go help celebrate Ken's birthday. Xtina never saw Joan's apt. Then I had to feed the church Sunday and spent $117....got a few other things............then I had to go back To San Pedro and watched Desp Housewives with Joan. I don't really like driving that much anymore. I get super stressed if I have to drive too much. It was nice seeing Christina....She lives in a nice neighborhood. Ken enjoyed himself. My lunch break is over... got to run.

aI did have a falling out with Rownik and I feel I made the right decision even if she doesn't agree to it. That's life. I have to cut my losses if things are not manifesting in a puritan way.

The church saga Part II

everything else. I felt strangely serene afterward. He was gentle and beautiful and I felt like anything could happen in life, that at least one of my dreams came true. I had been fully in love with him since Sept, 1989, and here it was March, 1990. He was very reserved with his feelings, he rarely took risks. He was an emotional stuffer all the way. I want to mention I was married and I take full responsibility for falling in love with someone else. By the time, the physical connection took place it was too late. I couldn't have resisted unless a bus ran me over that day. I loved him. He told me to keep it under my hat. A few weeks later,th I went to his house in the middle of the day and told him I wanted to be with him. He must have been blind not to see how much I loved him. He must have thought about it for some time before inviting me over. He told me point blank that is not what he wanted in life at that time. (I didn't know if it was to be with a woman, or to slow down his acting career- his production company ended up doing a successful play in an open stage in a restaurant in Hollywood). Anyways, I did tell the Pastor becuz I felt guilty and I also told Sandra, a girl in the church he was dating. My Pastor was cool with it but Sandra was not. I don't think my Pastor was happy with Larry being involved with so many women in the church. (At least three in one year). Sandra flipped out for she was really naievely in love with him. The whole thing eventually blew over and I let it go. I had a baby with my then husband and still talked to LW on and off for ten years. However, it took me at least four years to get over him and it almost ruined my marriage. I still don't know why he wanted to be with me except curiosity as he stated that night. He left the church about six months after I moved back to Wisconsin. He ended up dissing his best friend Steve and another woman he dated named Nancy. To this day, I don't think I have ever loved anyone so deeply except the father of my first miscarriage, James from Virginia.

You oughta know or do you want to? Part One

The time has come for justice, and yet the defenders of the familiar one of the past will not give up their swords. To them, L. Welch is a hero in an anti establishment world. Somehow, being removed from a position at age 59 is some form of achievement. As I understand, a man named Mr. Chase also suffered the same dilemma and I am wondering if the school itself has a witch hunt quality. I am attempting to explain to the students of John Marshall why I chose to and comment on the story.

Larry was an integral part of our church and helped establish a professional equity waiver theatre company within the church and by the church. Most of the members if not all were the theatre co but we still had a few guest actors/actresses including Gwen Van Dam and Richard Karn. At that time, Faith Ford was a member of our church but not in the company. Joseph Runningfox also was a part of my play but bailed out right before opening night.

I wanted to direct my own play which was not billeted until the final play of the season. Larry said I could assistant direct "A Waitress Nightmare." He was the director. I also ran the magazine "On Cue." I put in 4-5 nights a week for 9 months not to mention I had a ft job at the American Red Cross. Larry and I were in close contact every night I also got burnt out by the time my play was mounted but I kept going. With the closeness and proximity and his overpowering personality, I pretty much fell in love with him. He controlled a great aspect of my life because I allowed it, yes, but also becuz he demanded a lot from me. The first play was a restaurant play and they used real food and I had to watch ten to fifteen major pots and pans every night and didn't finish till eleven. The attachment to him grew, not necessarily a healthy one. It probably peaked around December. Strangely enough, he didn't respond directly till March. I did not make any overt passes at him, the connection just grew stronger on its own. I bought him a giant Shakespeare book around Christmas. By January, he could have told I was hopelessly in love with him. I even wrote a monologue to indicate as such. Out of the blue one day in March, he asked me to come over. I felt like the strongest experience I shared with him in terms of emotion has already passesd I thought it was some kind of test. It was actually out of character for him to show hardly any emotion and a few women in the church he did date, it never got too far. Well, I did go to his apartment on Gower, and we did not have sex but

I didn't exit Glitterland

I am remaining here to continue to my studies in teaching Social Studies at secondary level. Hope you all can deal with my transient permanency.

Well, It looks like Travis H got kicked off Facebook. I didn't know I was that much of a cardinal enemy of his that he would risk losing his social network over it. I do feel bad about it. I took a risk too by giving him a wake up call over one cryptic email but I never expected him to go ballistic on me. We have a lot of mutual friends. I hope you have let it go, Travis becuz you have a lot of gifts and a great mind, and it wasn't worth the fighting in the end....was it? I hope his grandparents are okay....

Well I have to go now. I am at the neighbors and we are having a fiesta.

Conversion

Conversion of life into
conversion of light
getting the message out
the message they could not receive
deaf ears fell upon mute lips
muted ears veiled with transparency
caught between quicksand of
misinterpreted fears
shouting then whispering
repenting with spears
thickets of wood in the cusp of your hand
plucked out for bleeding
on dry, teathered flesh
of your unrefined grace
caught in the crossfire
of your condemnation
unredeemed sources took a toll
from your staking
misguided hearts in the battle of saints
displaced soldiers to battle your rage
locked up insecurities linger in your cage
rewriting chapters to the sanscript page
looking for forgiveness
never finding your place.

Friendship with the world is enmity with God - James 4

Who art thou who judgest another?
What is your life...it is even a vapor that appeareth for a little time...and then vanisheth away...if the Lord will...we should do this or that......for him to knoweth good and doeth it not....for him it is sin....James 4

The coming of the Lord draweth nigh.....James 5

Let your yeah be yeah and your nay be nay that ye may not fall under condemnation. James 5

Following God is a day by day thing. We cannot always know God's immediate plan for us. I did have a desire to escape...this L.A. life....but it was due to weather, crowds, traffic and many factors....I know I can equally serve God in Minnesota but God has deemed it more favorable that I serve him here. God has prevented my depature in three ways. He opened up an opportunity for me to enter the teaching program at Csun, he plagued me with a back problem within the few days I was supposed to move,....he allowed my computer to break at about the time I felt chained to it, during a fight with a former friend....it was a way to terminate the dissension and let it rest. I had to find other ways to get on the computer to job hunt and seek opportunities. Now I am bonded to Jury duty also and I am asking for a long term assignment so I can fufill my financial obligations thru August. Well, I am going back to listen to the audio Bible. Bloom where you are planted. I want to be a preacher.

For the Record

I dont care about the HC family anymore except one family member. Its over and done with. Our life philosophy splintered us. HC's mom is aggressive and forlorn all at the same time. I have removed myself from people who aggrandize their roots in secular form. I don't care and I no longer respect him....I think he was nice when I knew him but not sincere. Stop pulling your bff into this. You are just looking for a strange sort of sympathy. I am sorry you didn't see my perspective but let it go now. Too much time has passed.

Raging against the light

I am raging against the darkness and light
fighting time fighting structure
interuupting intervals
creating excitement between the mundane fortresses of my journey
pushing aside practicality for totality

I have had conflict in my life recently.
Unbelievers, doubtful family members
splintered gene pools
lost ideals
recessive role models
and yet better people have come to bat
Wendy, Andrew, Julie and Teresa
people who generate life and not destroy it

while...my brother sits at a pre paid campsite
and codes that as his destiny
never wondering what else he could be

and he sucks at conciliator
he's no Barack Obama
he's a pre emptive Bush mute
unable to verbalize his inner warfare
his battle plan
or even define his enemy.
He is too simple to even examine.
Take another swing and you may get one out of the park
as they say in Spanish
lerdo

The end will come forcefully due to lack of forgiveness

My ability not to tolerate fueled all highs. She is there and not there. She is the wedge between my sister and my soul. She has a smudgy mirror to bear her own reflection. One time she sued a Texas University becuz her co-radio host mentioned the circumference of her ass on live radio. Another more distinguished public network fired her for retalitaiton. She is and she is not. She exists like a praying mantis set on ruining relationships, infiltrating lives, sabotaging people. She won't join the high school group on facebook but yet she will brag that she has loyalties to the home town she thinks she reinvented. She will spake Darla, Kim, Dennis in the spit of an eye and never praise anyone including her dissective Bff Betsey. She has betrayed all yet expects loyalty. Now she will have a class action representation of all people she hurt. And she will face her flaws and fears. She will fight for her lack of dignity which she has cojoled upon herself and she will end without her own version of self acceptance.

Death watch on Iraqi soldier

She returned from Iraq but I am weary to connect to her. Our relationship is jaded, misunderstood. That once peppy girl has turned into a Republican lump headed single minded entitity, only serving loyalty to the conservative cause and her husband. She acts giddy but know better. She haunts my days and dream. I am the generational aftereffect of her rejecting my mom and religion. She is no one I can no longer know. She is in between tours but outside of my range of understanding. She has gone military and been erased from the family circle. She is the unintended enemy raging over my life and consciousness. If she died tomorrow in Afghanistan, we would not have made our peace. What gates she would enter is unsure.

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Boycott "town life" of Carey Underworld

Mistakes were made. Following the same train of thought I could go in two directions. Start a witch hunt or decade long feud. Or forgive her and move on. She is undeserving of anything but a full blowout but my Baptist roots having me lead to a mtntop to review the situation. I wonder if she has any redeeming qualities besides gettin into ppl's business and dissin them. She told my twin and I if she ever ended up in White Bear Lake it would be to boring and to sh***t her. But she has gone so downhill, I don't even have the drive to advance the fate of my new nemesis. I want to wash her from my brain and avoid any thought of her. I chastised her twice in the last month and she immediately called my sister to report it. I think she's working for the Hedda Gazette....I am so important she has to circulate the news instantly. With her there is no escape. She can't even walk to her car, let alone the park. She is chained in her own self destruction obliberating her past and those she knew in her past. Maybe her next stop should be the confessional booth to shed those tears and pounds.

Kenyan Kansas Camelot

I have to change name cuz someone may think i am writing an acronym for KKK.

Kenyan Kansas Kamelot

You heard it from me first. This is the official Obama era named presidency: Kenyan Kansas Kamelot.

Clarifying my blogs......

I have 3 accounts when I only intended to have two:

www.losangelesdevolution.blogspot.com will be about how I feel like my life has diminished in quality by staying in Los Angeles.

www.janelovesbranden.blogspot.com is about more personal aspects of my life including heart wrenching moments and my 2nd autobiographical novel.

www.janehoffman.blogspot.com will be more for cultural/political reflections and possibly professinal writing samples.

Eventually I will drop janelovesbranden blog becuz its a dumb name.