Saturday, January 22, 2011

When two lives intersect (revised)

This is my own Private Idaho...where I work things out....I am not afraid of my public persona nor do i hunker down like a criminal in an alley when someone confronts me about a difficult portion of my life. Does anyone know how Satan works? He binds you, shames you, guilts you, and when you submit to his power, he limits you. I had an experience this week that rattled my cage. I felt like a chunk of my life was infringed upon and I was being dictated how to handle it. I inadvertently found a phone number to a former Hollywood star that I had once been close friends with. A light bulb went off in my head that I should have segments of his life and movie career on my radio show and decided to pursue it. I asked the mother of his child - is this still X's number? She said yes. I called X and told him I was planning on covering a certain topic on my radio show and would he participate? If he was mad at me, I told him not to call me back. About a year ago, I confronted him in a private message about his disproportionate ego to his fame factor, and apparently, he had a good memory. Although we have shared a lot of good times together and once were even closer, I didn't think he would trip over the suggestion. I thought he would jump at a chance to look good. Apparently, his view of how others see him is as bad as the days when he was residing in a motel doing crack and alcohol. His backup job was recently suspended due to his friend going out of business. Many elements of his life would be ripe material for a made for t.v. movie - disenfranchised Indian never fully adjusting to the demands of the modern world and his fame ebbing and flowing like shrinking landscape that impairs his identity in the modern world. But the worse part about this process of trying to engage the subject matter is his fear and how he imposes his will on others through pushiness, exaggerations and misrepresentation. My friend, W.H. and I were the bailout team for X in the worst moments of his life in the last six years. While I knew him, I never put an onus on him or told him I wouldn't accept his friendship if he wasn't sober. I never had a reason to make those demands because I had nothing at stake. I was his theatrical director - not his wife. Its just with his over reliance on everyone around him, he twisted the importance and prioritization of his friends. I think he never fully listened to the gospel of Christ. He put Christ in the category of all the things the White People did to screw up his way of life but most of the damage came from his own parents who drank heavily on the reservation and beat the hell out of him. He has scars to prove it. So when does the watershed begin while concealing one's greatest pain? Due to the bossy treatment of me by his close relative and his whininess of going to her instead of me, I am doing a radio show anyway about his life, good or bad. Why are they in fear? Because of the power of truth telling although it was never my intention to harm him. But he harms me and others by defying everything he ever knew and basically denying his own existence and those who co-existed with him. When his friend near Palm Springs wouldn't continue to be his friend if he drank, I had to cover up for him. When he asked me not to mention certain things, I didn't. When he brought up inappropriate topics outside my religion by suggesting sex more than once even when I was so beyond that, he continued in that inappropriate vein until I made it evident I had no interest. Don't put a value label on my experience with this person. It was what it was and the story is significant in itself without others shrouding the truth. Just because my life has evolved into a position of having public air time and a talent to reveal stories, I should not be punished for that, now should I? Your experience does not mirror mine. My life is not accountable to you, only God. I am sorry, I.E., that you are chained to a false presentation of what truly happened or protect what will happen. The truth comes out, good or bad, and I have no need to exploit anyone. I am glad there is no one in my life to have a choke hold around me, censoring my speech and playing nice so I can get eventual child support. My son's father lives in Africa, and I send money to him when he needs it because he is in a worse situation for me. I don't wait for baited breath for that eventual child support that will never come. What a false pride to even think a person like ____(X) is even capable of it? Live and let live. We all make our beds, but can you lie in them? Don't limit my experiences and stories I share. By advising ya'all I was doing the show, I was giving you a proper heads up, not sending a death threat. Is the revelation of your life a death threat? What are you going to do on judgment day when all your actions will be accountable? There are no publicists in heaven or tainted media. There is God and you. Now face it like a man.

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