Already one year

I am reconsidering writing on this blog because the imagery on this blog is more true to form of the social analytical representation of my life. The pictures I have posted say who I am. I am a post modern disenfranchised American, voter and hippie. Now I am 51 yrs old and I have been writing on www.janelovesbranden.blogspot.com for a year. I somehow gravitated back to that page due to sign in accessibility, etc.

I have been in a student teaching program since Sept. 7 and most of my free time has been usurped with academic related activities like lesson plans, grading, and strategy. Whatever extra time I do have goes to playing Fairyland on FB, talking w friends, going to church and hanging out with my son.

This morning, I forgot my briefcase in my car and had to step out of the aptmt at 4:40 a.m. to get it on a rainy Los Angeles street. I could sense a change on earth because of my restlessness in sleeping. The earth can wake you up like that. I retrieved the briefcase and now am wide awake at yet another sleepless hour of 5:49 a.m.

I am getting tired and dropped in for any passerbyers to say "Read my blog." When I graduate in 2 weeks I am restoring my efforts on my White Bear Lake novel and my Milwaukee 14 screenplay.

I am in a fairly decent relationship now. There is a wide age difference but I am trying to put that aside.

Final decision

I guess this is going to be rather raw of a discussion. this blog is not about the Native American actor - I am prefacing that. Contrasted to my recent experience with one famous person in my life, I am towing the line of a romantic vein with a talk show radio host in L.A. who is on the polar opposite spectrum of my political views. The romance is fun. The ability of myself to hold his attention is trying. Which leads me to believe, why the HELL AM I DOING IT? Even if we were to have one chemistry filled date of opposition attraction and fantasy contrast, it would be self destructive. I don't hold him in my own moral barometer and he would eventually piss me off. I have spoken to him for over one month now, every friggin day. I am enjoying it but want to stop before it becomes a sad ending. He is not my hero. Hillary Clinton, JFK, RFK, JFK JR, Teddy and Barack Obama are my heroes. I respect his point of view. I respect him holding his own. But hard work alone doesn't have to make you conservative and idealistic. He is just a man who got somewhere. And I sure as hell would not write a book called "Stupid White Women." He wrote a book called "Stupid Black Man." That alone is derogatory towards a race that has SUFFERED. Who is he to inject his moral compass into the hearts of those people who struggle. Al Sharpton didn't end up the way he did because he had an easy life. He may be overly vocal like Rev. Jackson, but out of America's struggles, Preachers like that will rise. I just don't think in the end, it would work out even though I know for sure we have a sexual connection. This is my coming out week and I would only want to sleep with him because he is well known, sad to say.

When two lives intersect (revised)

This is my own Private Idaho...where I work things out....I am not afraid of my public persona nor do i hunker down like a criminal in an alley when someone confronts me about a difficult portion of my life. Does anyone know how Satan works? He binds you, shames you, guilts you, and when you submit to his power, he limits you. I had an experience this week that rattled my cage. I felt like a chunk of my life was infringed upon and I was being dictated how to handle it. I inadvertently found a phone number to a former Hollywood star that I had once been close friends with. A light bulb went off in my head that I should have segments of his life and movie career on my radio show and decided to pursue it. I asked the mother of his child - is this still X's number? She said yes. I called X and told him I was planning on covering a certain topic on my radio show and would he participate? If he was mad at me, I told him not to call me back. About a year ago, I confronted him in a private message about his disproportionate ego to his fame factor, and apparently, he had a good memory. Although we have shared a lot of good times together and once were even closer, I didn't think he would trip over the suggestion. I thought he would jump at a chance to look good. Apparently, his view of how others see him is as bad as the days when he was residing in a motel doing crack and alcohol. His backup job was recently suspended due to his friend going out of business. Many elements of his life would be ripe material for a made for t.v. movie - disenfranchised Indian never fully adjusting to the demands of the modern world and his fame ebbing and flowing like shrinking landscape that impairs his identity in the modern world. But the worse part about this process of trying to engage the subject matter is his fear and how he imposes his will on others through pushiness, exaggerations and misrepresentation. My friend, W.H. and I were the bailout team for X in the worst moments of his life in the last six years. While I knew him, I never put an onus on him or told him I wouldn't accept his friendship if he wasn't sober. I never had a reason to make those demands because I had nothing at stake. I was his theatrical director - not his wife. Its just with his over reliance on everyone around him, he twisted the importance and prioritization of his friends. I think he never fully listened to the gospel of Christ. He put Christ in the category of all the things the White People did to screw up his way of life but most of the damage came from his own parents who drank heavily on the reservation and beat the hell out of him. He has scars to prove it. So when does the watershed begin while concealing one's greatest pain? Due to the bossy treatment of me by his close relative and his whininess of going to her instead of me, I am doing a radio show anyway about his life, good or bad. Why are they in fear? Because of the power of truth telling although it was never my intention to harm him. But he harms me and others by defying everything he ever knew and basically denying his own existence and those who co-existed with him. When his friend near Palm Springs wouldn't continue to be his friend if he drank, I had to cover up for him. When he asked me not to mention certain things, I didn't. When he brought up inappropriate topics outside my religion by suggesting sex more than once even when I was so beyond that, he continued in that inappropriate vein until I made it evident I had no interest. Don't put a value label on my experience with this person. It was what it was and the story is significant in itself without others shrouding the truth. Just because my life has evolved into a position of having public air time and a talent to reveal stories, I should not be punished for that, now should I? Your experience does not mirror mine. My life is not accountable to you, only God. I am sorry, I.E., that you are chained to a false presentation of what truly happened or protect what will happen. The truth comes out, good or bad, and I have no need to exploit anyone. I am glad there is no one in my life to have a choke hold around me, censoring my speech and playing nice so I can get eventual child support. My son's father lives in Africa, and I send money to him when he needs it because he is in a worse situation for me. I don't wait for baited breath for that eventual child support that will never come. What a false pride to even think a person like ____(X) is even capable of it? Live and let live. We all make our beds, but can you lie in them? Don't limit my experiences and stories I share. By advising ya'all I was doing the show, I was giving you a proper heads up, not sending a death threat. Is the revelation of your life a death threat? What are you going to do on judgment day when all your actions will be accountable? There are no publicists in heaven or tainted media. There is God and you. Now face it like a man.

Joseph Runningfox -Excerpt from The Life of Joe Runningfox by Jane Hoffman

Have you ever met someone who was on the same page for 15 years after seeing the light because they revised their version of truth? Someone whose perspective was so genuis and incredible but were driven down the same hunter's path of fame while defying their soul? Hollywood invited Joe in, but perhaps, his gift was tremendous but the cost was too deep. Find out why on Blogtalk radio Sunday night. Show listing below.

Preview to radio show Sunday night 1/22/11 at 7 p.m.

www.blogtalkradio.com/ernestradionetwork

I worked with Joe Runningfox on "Father, Save Your Skin" - a Native American Play about Ojibwe.

2010 20TEN LOVE & IMPACT, CONSEQUENTIAL MOMENTS

I wouldn't identify 2010 as a turbulent year. Loran & I went to Minnesota in Feb, 2010 which was a brief but nice trip. He got to know his cousins more. The house I was living in foreclosed around March but the landlords didn't bother to tell me until there was an inadvertent sign in their bedroom which was a room that lead to the laundry room. I qualified for low income housing in August by a stroke of luck and moved in by Sept. 7. However, on 8-14-2010, my father died which jumbled up my universe and timeline of thought, relationships and life spans. My father, elusive most of his life had a gentler quality these last few years but a girlfriend who barricaded an intimate relationship with us, his kids. I never felt like my father fully belonged to me. His mind was always on some distant shore or relishing some past pain from WWII, his brother's sudden death or the crippling effect of corporate life. Although he managed to retire by age 56, he had a downcast spirit about him his whole life. Anyways, my Fall 2010 was super busy. I worked 28 hours a week and atttended college full time. I also worked split shifts and often had to shuffle my son home between shifts. My son's school was 10 miles from work and 14 miles from home so I drove the golden triangle repeatedly. I became closer with the night staff and enjoyed the company of Joe A. and J.P. Mr. Walker's humour continues to challenge me and be more quick witted myself. Cindy and I have grown closer. Some of the teachers became more demanding and bossy but I learned how to deal with it. Overall, I really couldn't ask for a nicer staff. Needless to say, It is now December. My last hurdle was finishing up a few papers and I was finally relieved from work for three weeks and school for a month on Dec.18. I allowed myself some down time but notice I am driven to hyperness and errand running and constant activity. I went shopping 2 or 3 days but briefly. Shopping isn't really my thing. I spent more time getting cards together and pictures to send in them for Christmas. I had a lovely lunch this past week at the Good Earth restaurant, a throw back from the 70s. I know Minnesota had Good Earth stores of some kind with health food. I also started my own radio show this year with Ernest L. Sewell, one of my long term BFFs. I have had Pastor Ken Anderson, Bob Graf, Timothy and Nate Phelps on the show as well as featuring stories about Larry Rosebaugh's life, emotional conflict, Election 2000, Integrity, Athiesm, and Westboro Baptist Church and a few more. I hope you can join me for one of my broadcasts Sunday nights at 7 p.m. Its my new baby and I put a lot of work into it. I am also working on a novel and screenplay. More to be announced on those projects. Merry Christmas!!!! www.blogtalkradio.com/ernestradionetwork

Political Gravity with Jane Hoffman - Election 2010

Political Gravity with Jane Hoffman - Election 2010

Win or lose, we as a nation have lost as a whole.

If your faith in Obama is transient and your faith in a leader has an expiration date of two years, then you are not a faithful servant of American or its good.

Yes, I am talking extremes because the collective hatred by rightists toward Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and the most recent trend towards Obama is institutionalized hatred.

I dare you to take a walk with me as Pink would say, down my road to redefining America to a point where it can recuperate from divisional hatred.

I DARE YOU to play the traditional foreign policy game of the prisoner's dilemma. You are the prisoner. You live and breathe in a place called Hate, better known as Modern Day America. Breathe love and you will expose Hate. Try to survive in the close minded world of the hate mongers - the Rush's, the Ann Coulters, the Sean Hannity's and the self exalted.

No room for pragmatists like Dennis Praeger or Larry Elder.

Its a two edged sword in the battle of extremes. You will get lessons on how to combat the lessons of poltical hate from the well endowed right wing media. And you will learn how to combat it through intellect, trust, compassion and absence of fear.

LISTEN IN SUNDAY NIGHTS AT 7 P.M CENTRAL TO POLITICAL GRAVITY WITH JANE HOFFMAN 347-989-1942

Between the intention and the delivery

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ernestradionetwork/2010/11/08/political-gravity-with-jane-hoffman If anyone knows anything about American politics, is that the ying and the yang are more like a boulder on top of hill, ready to fall on the lone bystander 300 feet down. The end will come as well as the beginning of new suffering. The Republican mantra is really about inflicting pain on others as well as absence of comfort. When you think about it, its like a Christian with conviction with no real love. Remember 1 Corinthians 13 - If I have have everything but no love, I am nothing. (paraphrased). The Republican is like the Pharisee, claiming their higher authority and looking down on anyone who lacks their frame of reference. So you want to end abortion but will condemn the woman who has the illegitimate child and accept public assistance. So you think national health care implementation is out of the scope of government and will cause destruction, yet you still tolerate illegal immigrants receiving free health care, welfare families getting free and subsidized health care vs. a system where everyone pays either through their company or individually and the health care is guaranteed. Where is the social good mantra? If the self righteous Republican, Christians included, want God and Jesus in government then you are going to have to implement the philosophy of Jesus into your daily lives and as a citizen of government. That means, you will have to give all you have to the poor as Jesus mandates, follow him by first giving up your material comfort, lay down your life for your brother, feed clothe and help your fellow man. That should be the sole mission of every Christian. Is to relieve the pain and suffering of others. For right wing Christians who want full entrance and authority in the public sphere which is inclusive of all factions of citizens including gays, pacifists, and socialists, supplementation for human needs must be met by provisional government. In other words, you cannot impress your own self imposed needs based models on the diverse citizenry. You must honor their definition of life, liberty and happiness? Are you up for the job? In 30 years, the Christian right has proven one thing. They are oppressive, elitists and not capable of reflecting Christ. They support wars where 21 yr olds die for bad foreign policy making. They support eliminating food stamps for the poor like in Wisconsin as Tommy Thompson did. They are non-compassionate. They are failures and fuelers of hatred. As a Christian on the left, I denounce their claim to exist morally in politics. I will refute the Christian right who has proven time over they do not reflect the only deity worth emanating: Jesus. Come follow me to the Christian left on blogtalk radio on the Ernest Radio Network and join the discussion Sunday nights from 7-8 p.m. Pacific: Political Gravity with Jane Hoffman 347-989-1942 When will the other shoe drop and America's lack of compassion and hatred result in real suffering? The way we treat our fellow citizens will bring judgment day to a rapid advancement on how God will handle Christians who spread hatred. Sean Hannity is the number one hate-monger and it is his mission to destroy Obama.

Its a hate or love world that center divides us
ritualizes custom than snakes you by the other
the Triune God in whom I believe
harnesses the stone and refines the truth
I am breaking like a multi vessel streaming to the ground
the blood in my hands traveling thru the crevasses on down
into the river of sorrow
broken by the sword
of the painful truth he spoke
and the reaction he ignored
plunge me to death a life of another
of those who cause me pain over and over
I no longer exist
I take the hemlock gladly
Dr. Kervorkian supplied my ad on google
covet my death
remove my life
unloosen the chains
that bring me strife

Life as it is.

Things have changed for me in a comforting sort of way. I no longer have to worry financially. But in the bigger picture that makes life manageable, my ingrained character makes me dedicated to the cause - of work, school and child-rearing. Without the basic structure of my existence, I cannot rest on my laurels. God's plan is for us to fulfill his purpose. With more money, I could start my own ministry but I don't have a big enuff income to sustain myself. So I will persist in my academic goals until I get to a place where I can fully support myself.

With my father recently dying, I realize I am the next generation to take on the fulfillment of my time and be representation of the values my parents project into me. Each child holds components of their parent's aura and I can cling to certain aspects of my upbringing that are forthright. I was raised in a a good Lutheran church with good pastors. I believe by 2013, the Second coming of Christ will occur. I believe that finanical upheaval will continue to plague America and until we modify our existence away from monetary dependency, our quality of life will be the never ending rat race. I think many Californians in my area have turned to Christ in the last 2 years, esp. the Spanish and Korean community. But just as many have to gnosticism, self fulfillment and spiritual groping in the darkness. At the center of our existence, we need to spread light and unconditional love to all of those around us. We have to perpetuate that all gifts are from God and there is only one path to salvation, Jesus Christ. It is not a factual grasp, it is a spiritual transformation bestowed on chosen individuals by Christ himself.

I have been surrounded by intellectual arrogance the last few years at the university and by some of my classmates. Their rational objectivity that they perceive is really limited knowledge of religion. It was man himself who created pragmatism and the basis of empirical thought. Man cannot trranscend himself alone either physically or mentally. God has a place in man's life. If someone willing understands the Gospel and refuses it, God allowed that option. God just impressed that we present it to each person. He has to do the work in their heart. I have more to say about this but I have an assignment due now in class.

Relevance, a poem

Coming home then back
to bury a father
while my heart lay under attack
the home I long for
Minnesota dream
becomes a revolving door of necessity
Locked in L.A.
for a dry run
the road to success
repaired then undone
no longer entertainment
no longer capturnig souls
with my fame and delight
its been a good year since I let go
Branden washed in self absorption
Edison only wants some of the gold
that I spread around in the nineties
then turned to nickel shoal
My life towards Christ
is the road I choose
and all I see is half torn souls
on the streets of L.A.
arise oh, ministry
re-open the gates
so I can safeguard fantasy
and avoid fate
drinking communion wine
from a paper cup
spilled on the church carpet
for a sin to erupt
exorcise the vengeance
delegate the shame
Cast for in silence
Larry Welch is to blame.

Relative calmness

The threshold of my week was capitulated by a stroke by my father. My father, who seemed to streamline through life the last few years and I just talked to in an ordinary conversation...is now in a hospital unable to speak and function properly and may be facing eternity shortly. The urgency hasn't grasped onto me yet. I cannot travel to Minnesota til next week. Both my twin sister and my older sister flew in yesterday from Cali to Minnesota. My older sister is the power of attorney and has to make medical decisions.

I am in Outpost 41, the normal wear and tear of everyday life of L.A. and feel strangely marginalized by the event. I had a good relationship with my father until this happened and I have no regrets. He was a better man in his latter years and didn't seem to get his feathers ruffled as often. He still had acute cognitive functioning. I felt that we mended our fences and settled our differences. I wonder how much he can process now as he lies in the hospital bed, waiting on the mercy of others to help him. I will have more reflections later on this weekend.

A path for the chosen

Sometimes even as Christians, we do not have a way to release our pain. I have been burdened lately by situations stemming from my childhood. Part of it has to do with the interfacing on Facebook and daily reminders of people I knew from childhood. Not everyone on FB really is my friend. I thought about making a new category for known acquaintances called "Emotionally Unavailable." I would like to drop them as my friend, one in particular, but the history is so long between our families, it would seem as if a piece of my childhood would be forever gone. God is weeding my past to cultivate my future. Some people no longer belong in my life and have not for a long time. I have two hometown friends on the West Coast now that I share a stronger bond with. I am still looking North for relief. My vagabond tendencies are taking me in a new direction. If I settle back in Minnesota, I will live in Lanesboro or Mankato. If I go up to live with Gina, it will be Spokane, Wa. Thats all for now...back to work.

Michael Jackson Tribute Radio Show - 1 year anniversary

This edition of the Ernest Experience Radio Show with Brandi Walker from Wyldflow3r, myself, Chris Johnson from Paisley Radio and the host, Ernest Sewell IV of the Ernest Experience Radio Show is a commemoration of Michael Jackson's music with some commentary on his life and his legacy. Follow the link.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ernestexperienceradioshow/2010/06/26/michael-jackson--a-tribute-51-years-in-the-making

Please listen. I was honored to be on the show and part of the King of Pop's memory making.

Telling the full truth

I had an awful day....things are tough for me now....the Craigs list scam was a nail in my future coffin. I was scammed by a market research person in Colorado who mailed me an authentic looking check for $2,500. all i did was sign up for a research market survey and the next day a $2,500 check arrived. I remember looking at it and thinking....is this real? Could this really happen to me? Life did become more brutal that day....which was a Wednesday. I got a check, I took it to the bank and B of A wouldn't cash it becuz it didn't have my middle name on the check. So I took it to my bank and deposited it and within a 1/2 hour the bank mgr called to tell me the B o f A in Atlanta wouldn't honor it. I felt so light and happy that I had a check to cover my debts and all of a sudden it was torn away from me in an exact instant. But moreso, I felt like I had been blessed and that this blessing that came outta nowhere came from God. Now it just feels like a twisted life lesson. I was a gullible fish in a pond of con artists. The person spent $24.53 in overnight express mail to send it directly to my house. It seems rather tragic that someone would spend that money to see a boomerang effect to ultimately screw up someone 's life and ruin my bank account potentially. It is a tragic fact. If it wasn't for the fast action of the bank mgr at my unmentioned bank, I would be facing even bounced check charges. Now its just a sadly mistaken backlash. By the way, the check was issued through ExxonMobil so now I have to tell them about the scam. The cute little personal banker who had a leigh on at Bof A today for the fourth of July said the scam people did a good job creating the check. It had four to five security features on it.

Despair

doctrine bleeding
from pre conditioned corridors
bound by ritual
broken by lease
misplaced desire
unfufilled trust
burning emblem
on the back of my jeans
breakaway to the outer banks
of the Mississippi, and Cape Fear
her soul scattered in a thousand places
her life forgotten
on the windy shore
of discomfort
pride swallowed
on Pilgrims's Rock
where only God can remember.

jdh
7.01.10

Wiseblood

I am weaving this blog from a novel by Flannery O'Connor and my former friend, Maureen. The central character in the novel is someone who used to be into Jesus but begins to display behavior that avoids Jesus due to his unrepented sin. He becomes downright ugly about denying Jesus which as Christians know is soul wrenching to do so. He almost at the level of blashpheming the Holy Spirit. He is a dark protagonist.

In a similar but not such a dramatic sense, I waited 6 years for a response from a former Stoughtonite. When I got it, it was rather raw and obtrusive....and rude. She complained about her own life in a way that I should have sensed it. She cliched herself as a tag, a miner's daughter tag. I couldn't actually have had empathy for someone who did not appear to have a pulse for six years. She insinuated I didn't have any comprehension on how I might have paid her bills. Could I have known or probed or sent a band radio signal that this was on my radar? I figured she was upset about her divorce and leave it alone. If you needed the old man around for the mortgage, why ax him?

All of these questions are blanks in mind formation in an imaginary conclave that no one could fill but her. Her, pent up and expressionless in her questioning glare in a vacant room of sixth sense apparitions. Designed in part for the world to see, her bleeding sorrow, her unforrgiveness, her concealed love.

Literary Influences

This is a link to my literary website. http://sites.google.com/site/postworldwariiwriters/ Here you will find the origin of my literary influences which continue to be.

I am currently reading Illumination and Night Glare....Carson McCuller's unfinished autobiography.

Serendipity

Its hard to pick out what one likes to do when their life is one big rollercoaster of obligation. I am a single mother of a special needs 11 year old who is intelligent but has emotional troubles. I have two jobs and have 11 credits in college. Now that college ended for the semester, I feel kind of washed up and out of the zone. I spent 5 nights in a row till 3 a.m. tinkering and adding assignments to my website. We had to do a website for class including many assignments like layer masking, creating online quizzes, screen capturing all our work, you name it. It was exhausting and challenging all at the same time.

Today I feel like an unplugged robot. My arms barely move, my legs are like water logged tree trunks, I am drained. A battery of about 4 ESL sucks at English people called about my car. Not one of them followed through on the time of arrival to see it. I pulled the ad and am keeping it another week. The State of California pays $1000 for a non operating vehicle. If these people can't get to my house on time for the deal of the century, screw it.

I am frustrated that I cannot pick up and go on holiday now. I have 1 more month of work and so does my son. My son's aunt is having a baby in July. So we need to go to Minnesota either three weeks b4 she is due or a month later. We are going to Spokane, Washington on June 18 if all goes well. all for now, too tired to finish.

Plagued dispositions of cruel friendships

When there is time to work things out and Christian effort is put forth to make a sincere approach, it is not often reciprocated. Maureen Betti-lyon and Cathy P. are two people who were in my life. I am glad Cathy is out because she does not recognize the true level of friendship. She is very judgmental herself and since youth has rejected God, the Catholic Church and the main precepts of Christianity. Maureen has a kind disposition but a lack of forgiveness towards her ex husband and others that make her constantly tortured by her own recompense. These people I have let go of, but they plague me from time to time like shadowy villians on a makeshift stage of collapsing cinder. Beneath is the sandstone and limestone where they graze like lost cattle over their doomsday past.

Maureen left her husband because he was taking energy pills and in her mind, too many. He was a route driver and needed the legal pills to get his through the work day. Right or wrong, is it enough to abandon a marriage with three kids? I just thought it was inconsequential. He wasn't cheating on her. She always evoked a sense of disapproval around him like he was not quite adequate. She frustrated him. In the end, after 20 some years of marriage, it ended abruptly and she had a boyfriend within 2 months. Most of the people who lived in Stoughton, about half of them are gone now. Cindy, who lost a child like me, left her husband, too. Karen left her husband for her physical therapist. Only Jasmine, Rochelle, and a few others remain married. I am venting now but eventually I will write a novel about Stoughton.

PROJECT GRAD LOS ANGELES

HAS BECOME WEAKER UNDER ERIK OSUGI'S LEADERSHIP. THEY HAVE BECOME VULNERABLE DUE TO FORD ROOSEVELT'S SHORTCOMINGS. AND THEY HAVE BROKEN ANY HONOR OF ACCOUNTABILITY AND THIS BLOG IS A CALL TO ACTION.