Serendipity

Its hard to pick out what one likes to do when their life is one big rollercoaster of obligation. I am a single mother of a special needs 11 year old who is intelligent but has emotional troubles. I have two jobs and have 11 credits in college. Now that college ended for the semester, I feel kind of washed up and out of the zone. I spent 5 nights in a row till 3 a.m. tinkering and adding assignments to my website. We had to do a website for class including many assignments like layer masking, creating online quizzes, screen capturing all our work, you name it. It was exhausting and challenging all at the same time.

Today I feel like an unplugged robot. My arms barely move, my legs are like water logged tree trunks, I am drained. A battery of about 4 ESL sucks at English people called about my car. Not one of them followed through on the time of arrival to see it. I pulled the ad and am keeping it another week. The State of California pays $1000 for a non operating vehicle. If these people can't get to my house on time for the deal of the century, screw it.

I am frustrated that I cannot pick up and go on holiday now. I have 1 more month of work and so does my son. My son's aunt is having a baby in July. So we need to go to Minnesota either three weeks b4 she is due or a month later. We are going to Spokane, Washington on June 18 if all goes well. all for now, too tired to finish.

Plagued dispositions of cruel friendships

When there is time to work things out and Christian effort is put forth to make a sincere approach, it is not often reciprocated. Maureen Betti-lyon and Cathy P. are two people who were in my life. I am glad Cathy is out because she does not recognize the true level of friendship. She is very judgmental herself and since youth has rejected God, the Catholic Church and the main precepts of Christianity. Maureen has a kind disposition but a lack of forgiveness towards her ex husband and others that make her constantly tortured by her own recompense. These people I have let go of, but they plague me from time to time like shadowy villians on a makeshift stage of collapsing cinder. Beneath is the sandstone and limestone where they graze like lost cattle over their doomsday past.

Maureen left her husband because he was taking energy pills and in her mind, too many. He was a route driver and needed the legal pills to get his through the work day. Right or wrong, is it enough to abandon a marriage with three kids? I just thought it was inconsequential. He wasn't cheating on her. She always evoked a sense of disapproval around him like he was not quite adequate. She frustrated him. In the end, after 20 some years of marriage, it ended abruptly and she had a boyfriend within 2 months. Most of the people who lived in Stoughton, about half of them are gone now. Cindy, who lost a child like me, left her husband, too. Karen left her husband for her physical therapist. Only Jasmine, Rochelle, and a few others remain married. I am venting now but eventually I will write a novel about Stoughton.

PROJECT GRAD LOS ANGELES

HAS BECOME WEAKER UNDER ERIK OSUGI'S LEADERSHIP. THEY HAVE BECOME VULNERABLE DUE TO FORD ROOSEVELT'S SHORTCOMINGS. AND THEY HAVE BROKEN ANY HONOR OF ACCOUNTABILITY AND THIS BLOG IS A CALL TO ACTION.

PASS HEALTH CARE REFORM

This is my letter to Brad Sherman, my congressman I wrote today to pass health care.



Thank You for Contacting Brad
The following information was received by our office.
03/19/2010 14:33
Ms. Jane Hoffman
englishcrush@yahoo.com
Your message:I am a student at Cal State Northridge. I am also a medi-cal recipient as a single parent and receive full health care as does my son. I am thankful that California provides health care to me as a low income mother. I have single friends who do not have health care and have to depend on free clinics or low cost nominal fee clinics. UCLA did dental work on my friend and messed up her teeth and she got a 15% discount. It is my desire as a low income mother and a Masters degree political science graduate to ensure that every American is as privileged as me to have accessible health care. In 1992, when I was married and I had a daughter at age 20 months who died while having heart transplant surgery, my husband and I paid our own premiums for health care with a large deductible. My husband had a salary of 25,000 as a parochial principal and I was a stay at home mom with a terminally ill child. Not until our expenses reached over $10,000 did the State of Wisconsin kick in some help. They only provided about $100 in special nutritional milk for our daughter. Our daughter died in the end of a failed heart transplant because the other heart they transplanted did not work (from cardiomyopthy - the diagnosis), but I know what getting free health care is when you are struggling vs. paying for it while still working but being low income. Health Care may not be a God -given right but if our country cares about the well being and optimal performance of our citizens, it is a mandate that Americans could pay into and support. Please hear me out. I am one of the few people who has benefited from government. I am not a free loader. I am a full time teaching credential student, a single mom and a part time worker. I know that passing health care will create more jobs and intrinsically bring more connectiveness of the people to their government. Americans feel tired upon by mean spirited Republicans who deny us any help. Sincerely, Jane Hoffman

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I have been able to trust in God

but probably moreso from the backside. Trusting, obeying, slipping into doubt at times. Is there a handicap score for living in the End Times? When I continued to battle a corporate guillotine operator over my past job performance, I was offered another job. A better organization, no politics, and a missionary permissible position meaning I am helping adults improve academicially. I am sharing few details in the possiblity the wrong people may read this. This job will allow me to work with young adults in the educational process who are struggling but want to succeed. I did not need to seek legitmacy through my former boss, Elizabeth, who has been nothing but cowardly the last year. She has forsaken God in her cowardness. I read a verse in 1 Corinthians 15 about cowardness and turning away from the Lord. What does it mean when people just choose over time not to believe in God? Daniel C. said its either a bad experience with their conception of God or just not a proper upbringing about who God is. I don't think we should limit people to their conception of God but once they become believers they must adhere to biblical precepts. Its part of the religion. In the case of my former boss, she has a 4 yr old who has leukemia. He has a great chance of surviving. But I know her disdain with God has something to do with this burden. I don't know if she specifically blames or hates God but she says things like "I have to go to the movies so I can escape my horrible life." I told her the night my daughter died, I felt a sense of overwrought guilt that I did not follow my path of faith more diligently. I didn't pray every night and beg God to keep my daughter alive. i often walked around in a half daze, wondering how my young daughter of 8 months could have cardiomyopothy and be on 6 meds a day? How could my daughter develop thrush and drop down to 14 lbs at 18 months? I empathize with Elizabeth's sense of godly abandonment. But I do not think she should wear her chosen brand of aethiesm as a badge or a default position that she will receive less pain in life just because she denies an after life. She is in a phase of confused anger and doubt. And yet she looks to herself, a mere mortal for the answers and strength. She has a stay at home husband who does a lot of the child rearing. They decided to have one parent stay home as they have a 2 yr old. But what if what if? What if her Tuesday night escape to the movies is not going to cushion her from a possible death of her son or a setback she will be unprepared for? What if her benign lack of confrontation on life's greatest questions and God's direct call for following him crumbles into a wishy washy non affirmation of his presence? What if her son lives and thrives and overcomes the disease fully? Will she thank him or just give a sigh of relief like some swinging metal ball missed her longeivity of life by two feet? What if her son has a prolonged illness with no prognosis and she sits in medical purgatory for years not knowing the outcome? Will she grow stronger or just fade? She has let her weight and health go as well and she is becoming more disabled every year. I had a dream she carried a cane and it kept getting in the way of the children....what if Elizabeth? what if your fear of failure and fear of criticism prevents you from understanding your lot in life and spiritual direction for finding a way out? This is a petition to the darkest corners of your soul.

Rational vs. Spiritual drought

When emotions run in from dissected portions of our life, they interfere with the higher thinking intended not to produce sorrow and scorn. Shortly after Barb died, a day later, I woke up to the Monday morning doom of not being able to be an employee anymore of my previous job. One I chose to quit and the other I was terminated from. In retrospect, the second job I was terminated from was only 8 hours a week. So why it created such a negative storm of energy within me is incomprehensible. The incident is still affecting my way of life today, how I act, what I plan to do, what I think of myself. It is depressing. I have pressed on for an answer and given none. In this at will state, the employer feels no privilege to give you an answer or even elaborate on that aspect. There was one nice person at a college who took the time to explain but he was still somewhat callous and detached. I have lost regard for Nona who in her stalwart Uzbechistan ways presents herself as a face of rationalism, but dwindles to a soldier of conscienceless objection. Her pity emits from the wrong secretions and her arrow of justice is a malformed corporate sword dividing half and full truths. She is a reflection of her own fear and a disciple of twisted obedience. Her modus operandi is subservient to a power of scandal and non examination. Her higher power is her paycheck. Her disdain is non reflection. She is an arrow in my own heart.

- When hatred wells, it dissipates into flints of arrows

Jack in the Box redeemed themselves

A nice lady called today and offered to send me a gift certificate in lieu of my bad experience there. More on this later.