I have been able to trust in God

but probably moreso from the backside. Trusting, obeying, slipping into doubt at times. Is there a handicap score for living in the End Times? When I continued to battle a corporate guillotine operator over my past job performance, I was offered another job. A better organization, no politics, and a missionary permissible position meaning I am helping adults improve academicially. I am sharing few details in the possiblity the wrong people may read this. This job will allow me to work with young adults in the educational process who are struggling but want to succeed. I did not need to seek legitmacy through my former boss, Elizabeth, who has been nothing but cowardly the last year. She has forsaken God in her cowardness. I read a verse in 1 Corinthians 15 about cowardness and turning away from the Lord. What does it mean when people just choose over time not to believe in God? Daniel C. said its either a bad experience with their conception of God or just not a proper upbringing about who God is. I don't think we should limit people to their conception of God but once they become believers they must adhere to biblical precepts. Its part of the religion. In the case of my former boss, she has a 4 yr old who has leukemia. He has a great chance of surviving. But I know her disdain with God has something to do with this burden. I don't know if she specifically blames or hates God but she says things like "I have to go to the movies so I can escape my horrible life." I told her the night my daughter died, I felt a sense of overwrought guilt that I did not follow my path of faith more diligently. I didn't pray every night and beg God to keep my daughter alive. i often walked around in a half daze, wondering how my young daughter of 8 months could have cardiomyopothy and be on 6 meds a day? How could my daughter develop thrush and drop down to 14 lbs at 18 months? I empathize with Elizabeth's sense of godly abandonment. But I do not think she should wear her chosen brand of aethiesm as a badge or a default position that she will receive less pain in life just because she denies an after life. She is in a phase of confused anger and doubt. And yet she looks to herself, a mere mortal for the answers and strength. She has a stay at home husband who does a lot of the child rearing. They decided to have one parent stay home as they have a 2 yr old. But what if what if? What if her Tuesday night escape to the movies is not going to cushion her from a possible death of her son or a setback she will be unprepared for? What if her benign lack of confrontation on life's greatest questions and God's direct call for following him crumbles into a wishy washy non affirmation of his presence? What if her son lives and thrives and overcomes the disease fully? Will she thank him or just give a sigh of relief like some swinging metal ball missed her longeivity of life by two feet? What if her son has a prolonged illness with no prognosis and she sits in medical purgatory for years not knowing the outcome? Will she grow stronger or just fade? She has let her weight and health go as well and she is becoming more disabled every year. I had a dream she carried a cane and it kept getting in the way of the children....what if Elizabeth? what if your fear of failure and fear of criticism prevents you from understanding your lot in life and spiritual direction for finding a way out? This is a petition to the darkest corners of your soul.

Rational vs. Spiritual drought

When emotions run in from dissected portions of our life, they interfere with the higher thinking intended not to produce sorrow and scorn. Shortly after Barb died, a day later, I woke up to the Monday morning doom of not being able to be an employee anymore of my previous job. One I chose to quit and the other I was terminated from. In retrospect, the second job I was terminated from was only 8 hours a week. So why it created such a negative storm of energy within me is incomprehensible. The incident is still affecting my way of life today, how I act, what I plan to do, what I think of myself. It is depressing. I have pressed on for an answer and given none. In this at will state, the employer feels no privilege to give you an answer or even elaborate on that aspect. There was one nice person at a college who took the time to explain but he was still somewhat callous and detached. I have lost regard for Nona who in her stalwart Uzbechistan ways presents herself as a face of rationalism, but dwindles to a soldier of conscienceless objection. Her pity emits from the wrong secretions and her arrow of justice is a malformed corporate sword dividing half and full truths. She is a reflection of her own fear and a disciple of twisted obedience. Her modus operandi is subservient to a power of scandal and non examination. Her higher power is her paycheck. Her disdain is non reflection. She is an arrow in my own heart.

- When hatred wells, it dissipates into flints of arrows

Jack in the Box redeemed themselves

A nice lady called today and offered to send me a gift certificate in lieu of my bad experience there. More on this later.

Saved by the man with the white pony tail.

Between the black and white world of corporate pirahnas, fish feeding comparisons and performance output, I met a Bohemian dude with a pony tail and naturally aged whiten hair to round off my week. He is my supervisor's supervisor and has more class, kindness and finesse than any of the corporate pitbulls I have dealt with all week. He made promises and commitments to get to the bottom of "it." He was a well wisher, a good listener and ended the meeting with the phrase "Ciao." He didn't have an agenda. He didn't pre judge the situation. He just took it all in. I erased my last blog becuz it was leftover anger from the clash of personalites and incomplete blanks of faces, facts and power. My new friend exercised no mismanaged power, didn't even seem to possess it - he instead have a calm authority, a corner office with comfort and a tinge of afternoon darkness over a pre empted Christmas holiday week. He had compassion that the other Non profit lacks. Most of all, he had wisdom to seek not to speak and his eyes gave assurance in the same way as Jesus and St. Claus. I feel I am being led down a new path, away from the haters and those who don't even question. Who assume and wish for the mess to remain just spilled on the terrain.

From here to eternity

It has really been a tedious weekend and all. I wrote three papers. Two papers were for history - the Salton Sea and John Muir. The other paper was an analytical one involving a student at my middle school. I have really had a tormented decision making process about going back to the tundra for Christmas. I did not reserve the big check that I recvd. Nov 6 and manage my money perfectly right. Now I am struggling again, I have enuff savings but I dont want to be pinching pennies in MN. Needless to say, the struggle continues btwn. the significance of my son's father and the role his family plays. They are supportive of me when I come, but due to my lifestyle and finances, I don't really owe them a visit if its going to cramp my lifestyle. Well, its really too depressing to think about but I have to be realistic. I hope it all works out in the end.

Sexual Rehab TV Show

When I first heard they were doing a tv show w Dr. Drew on Sex Rehab I kind of thought, how indulgent. But then when I watched it last night, I realized how many people in this country have fallen in traps of sexual addiction either to remedy themselves, prove their worth, or pure lack of moral values. One rock star guy had sex with 3,000 women over a 3 yr period. Sex was just a casual ritual, he probably didn't even know half their names. Another girl who was Miss Teen USA was molested from age 5 to 7 and couldn't answer any honest questions about herself. She was really a tragic figure who seemed mentally suppressed. Besides clinical help, people need to find God's will for their life and how God values them. They can never learn that from therapy alone. They were tricked by Satan and the world that indulging in pleasures will make you more valid or popular. Some of them do not even have one true friend such as Miss Teen USA who said she had 90 names on her phone and couldn't call anyone for help. American society is really fucked up to create such fragile people such of these who are pursuing fame, relishing fame and abusing fame. They are all celebs on the show who have fallen in Satan's trap and someone needs to show them pure love.

Its..............Branden's..........Birthday

He is 29 now, on the cusp of real adulthood but he is still wrapped up with childish desires. His mantra is Dodger mania, sexual fantasy....I am so different from him I realized. Sports is a healthy enuff outlet but its shallow, its not the foundation of life. I am goal oriented and have a salvation complex...I am no longer going to pick romantic partners based on my saviour complex.

Loran's dad is back in the picture and I will honor that. We will either spend a year in Liberia or he will fly back here. Time will tell.