The church saga Part II

everything else. I felt strangely serene afterward. He was gentle and beautiful and I felt like anything could happen in life, that at least one of my dreams came true. I had been fully in love with him since Sept, 1989, and here it was March, 1990. He was very reserved with his feelings, he rarely took risks. He was an emotional stuffer all the way. I want to mention I was married and I take full responsibility for falling in love with someone else. By the time, the physical connection took place it was too late. I couldn't have resisted unless a bus ran me over that day. I loved him. He told me to keep it under my hat. A few weeks later,th I went to his house in the middle of the day and told him I wanted to be with him. He must have been blind not to see how much I loved him. He must have thought about it for some time before inviting me over. He told me point blank that is not what he wanted in life at that time. (I didn't know if it was to be with a woman, or to slow down his acting career- his production company ended up doing a successful play in an open stage in a restaurant in Hollywood). Anyways, I did tell the Pastor becuz I felt guilty and I also told Sandra, a girl in the church he was dating. My Pastor was cool with it but Sandra was not. I don't think my Pastor was happy with Larry being involved with so many women in the church. (At least three in one year). Sandra flipped out for she was really naievely in love with him. The whole thing eventually blew over and I let it go. I had a baby with my then husband and still talked to LW on and off for ten years. However, it took me at least four years to get over him and it almost ruined my marriage. I still don't know why he wanted to be with me except curiosity as he stated that night. He left the church about six months after I moved back to Wisconsin. He ended up dissing his best friend Steve and another woman he dated named Nancy. To this day, I don't think I have ever loved anyone so deeply except the father of my first miscarriage, James from Virginia.

You oughta know or do you want to? Part One

The time has come for justice, and yet the defenders of the familiar one of the past will not give up their swords. To them, L. Welch is a hero in an anti establishment world. Somehow, being removed from a position at age 59 is some form of achievement. As I understand, a man named Mr. Chase also suffered the same dilemma and I am wondering if the school itself has a witch hunt quality. I am attempting to explain to the students of John Marshall why I chose to and comment on the story.

Larry was an integral part of our church and helped establish a professional equity waiver theatre company within the church and by the church. Most of the members if not all were the theatre co but we still had a few guest actors/actresses including Gwen Van Dam and Richard Karn. At that time, Faith Ford was a member of our church but not in the company. Joseph Runningfox also was a part of my play but bailed out right before opening night.

I wanted to direct my own play which was not billeted until the final play of the season. Larry said I could assistant direct "A Waitress Nightmare." He was the director. I also ran the magazine "On Cue." I put in 4-5 nights a week for 9 months not to mention I had a ft job at the American Red Cross. Larry and I were in close contact every night I also got burnt out by the time my play was mounted but I kept going. With the closeness and proximity and his overpowering personality, I pretty much fell in love with him. He controlled a great aspect of my life because I allowed it, yes, but also becuz he demanded a lot from me. The first play was a restaurant play and they used real food and I had to watch ten to fifteen major pots and pans every night and didn't finish till eleven. The attachment to him grew, not necessarily a healthy one. It probably peaked around December. Strangely enough, he didn't respond directly till March. I did not make any overt passes at him, the connection just grew stronger on its own. I bought him a giant Shakespeare book around Christmas. By January, he could have told I was hopelessly in love with him. I even wrote a monologue to indicate as such. Out of the blue one day in March, he asked me to come over. I felt like the strongest experience I shared with him in terms of emotion has already passesd I thought it was some kind of test. It was actually out of character for him to show hardly any emotion and a few women in the church he did date, it never got too far. Well, I did go to his apartment on Gower, and we did not have sex but

I didn't exit Glitterland

I am remaining here to continue to my studies in teaching Social Studies at secondary level. Hope you all can deal with my transient permanency.

Well, It looks like Travis H got kicked off Facebook. I didn't know I was that much of a cardinal enemy of his that he would risk losing his social network over it. I do feel bad about it. I took a risk too by giving him a wake up call over one cryptic email but I never expected him to go ballistic on me. We have a lot of mutual friends. I hope you have let it go, Travis becuz you have a lot of gifts and a great mind, and it wasn't worth the fighting in the end....was it? I hope his grandparents are okay....

Well I have to go now. I am at the neighbors and we are having a fiesta.

Conversion

Conversion of life into
conversion of light
getting the message out
the message they could not receive
deaf ears fell upon mute lips
muted ears veiled with transparency
caught between quicksand of
misinterpreted fears
shouting then whispering
repenting with spears
thickets of wood in the cusp of your hand
plucked out for bleeding
on dry, teathered flesh
of your unrefined grace
caught in the crossfire
of your condemnation
unredeemed sources took a toll
from your staking
misguided hearts in the battle of saints
displaced soldiers to battle your rage
locked up insecurities linger in your cage
rewriting chapters to the sanscript page
looking for forgiveness
never finding your place.

Friendship with the world is enmity with God - James 4

Who art thou who judgest another?
What is your life...it is even a vapor that appeareth for a little time...and then vanisheth away...if the Lord will...we should do this or that......for him to knoweth good and doeth it not....for him it is sin....James 4

The coming of the Lord draweth nigh.....James 5

Let your yeah be yeah and your nay be nay that ye may not fall under condemnation. James 5

Following God is a day by day thing. We cannot always know God's immediate plan for us. I did have a desire to escape...this L.A. life....but it was due to weather, crowds, traffic and many factors....I know I can equally serve God in Minnesota but God has deemed it more favorable that I serve him here. God has prevented my depature in three ways. He opened up an opportunity for me to enter the teaching program at Csun, he plagued me with a back problem within the few days I was supposed to move,....he allowed my computer to break at about the time I felt chained to it, during a fight with a former friend....it was a way to terminate the dissension and let it rest. I had to find other ways to get on the computer to job hunt and seek opportunities. Now I am bonded to Jury duty also and I am asking for a long term assignment so I can fufill my financial obligations thru August. Well, I am going back to listen to the audio Bible. Bloom where you are planted. I want to be a preacher.

For the Record

I dont care about the HC family anymore except one family member. Its over and done with. Our life philosophy splintered us. HC's mom is aggressive and forlorn all at the same time. I have removed myself from people who aggrandize their roots in secular form. I don't care and I no longer respect him....I think he was nice when I knew him but not sincere. Stop pulling your bff into this. You are just looking for a strange sort of sympathy. I am sorry you didn't see my perspective but let it go now. Too much time has passed.

Raging against the light

I am raging against the darkness and light
fighting time fighting structure
interuupting intervals
creating excitement between the mundane fortresses of my journey
pushing aside practicality for totality

I have had conflict in my life recently.
Unbelievers, doubtful family members
splintered gene pools
lost ideals
recessive role models
and yet better people have come to bat
Wendy, Andrew, Julie and Teresa
people who generate life and not destroy it

while...my brother sits at a pre paid campsite
and codes that as his destiny
never wondering what else he could be

and he sucks at conciliator
he's no Barack Obama
he's a pre emptive Bush mute
unable to verbalize his inner warfare
his battle plan
or even define his enemy.
He is too simple to even examine.
Take another swing and you may get one out of the park
as they say in Spanish
lerdo