Telling the full truth

I had an awful day....things are tough for me now....the Craigs list scam was a nail in my future coffin. I was scammed by a market research person in Colorado who mailed me an authentic looking check for $2,500. all i did was sign up for a research market survey and the next day a $2,500 check arrived. I remember looking at it and thinking....is this real? Could this really happen to me? Life did become more brutal that day....which was a Wednesday. I got a check, I took it to the bank and B of A wouldn't cash it becuz it didn't have my middle name on the check. So I took it to my bank and deposited it and within a 1/2 hour the bank mgr called to tell me the B o f A in Atlanta wouldn't honor it. I felt so light and happy that I had a check to cover my debts and all of a sudden it was torn away from me in an exact instant. But moreso, I felt like I had been blessed and that this blessing that came outta nowhere came from God. Now it just feels like a twisted life lesson. I was a gullible fish in a pond of con artists. The person spent $24.53 in overnight express mail to send it directly to my house. It seems rather tragic that someone would spend that money to see a boomerang effect to ultimately screw up someone 's life and ruin my bank account potentially. It is a tragic fact. If it wasn't for the fast action of the bank mgr at my unmentioned bank, I would be facing even bounced check charges. Now its just a sadly mistaken backlash. By the way, the check was issued through ExxonMobil so now I have to tell them about the scam. The cute little personal banker who had a leigh on at Bof A today for the fourth of July said the scam people did a good job creating the check. It had four to five security features on it.

Despair

doctrine bleeding
from pre conditioned corridors
bound by ritual
broken by lease
misplaced desire
unfufilled trust
burning emblem
on the back of my jeans
breakaway to the outer banks
of the Mississippi, and Cape Fear
her soul scattered in a thousand places
her life forgotten
on the windy shore
of discomfort
pride swallowed
on Pilgrims's Rock
where only God can remember.

jdh
7.01.10

Wiseblood

I am weaving this blog from a novel by Flannery O'Connor and my former friend, Maureen. The central character in the novel is someone who used to be into Jesus but begins to display behavior that avoids Jesus due to his unrepented sin. He becomes downright ugly about denying Jesus which as Christians know is soul wrenching to do so. He almost at the level of blashpheming the Holy Spirit. He is a dark protagonist.

In a similar but not such a dramatic sense, I waited 6 years for a response from a former Stoughtonite. When I got it, it was rather raw and obtrusive....and rude. She complained about her own life in a way that I should have sensed it. She cliched herself as a tag, a miner's daughter tag. I couldn't actually have had empathy for someone who did not appear to have a pulse for six years. She insinuated I didn't have any comprehension on how I might have paid her bills. Could I have known or probed or sent a band radio signal that this was on my radar? I figured she was upset about her divorce and leave it alone. If you needed the old man around for the mortgage, why ax him?

All of these questions are blanks in mind formation in an imaginary conclave that no one could fill but her. Her, pent up and expressionless in her questioning glare in a vacant room of sixth sense apparitions. Designed in part for the world to see, her bleeding sorrow, her unforrgiveness, her concealed love.

Literary Influences

This is a link to my literary website. http://sites.google.com/site/postworldwariiwriters/ Here you will find the origin of my literary influences which continue to be.

I am currently reading Illumination and Night Glare....Carson McCuller's unfinished autobiography.

Serendipity

Its hard to pick out what one likes to do when their life is one big rollercoaster of obligation. I am a single mother of a special needs 11 year old who is intelligent but has emotional troubles. I have two jobs and have 11 credits in college. Now that college ended for the semester, I feel kind of washed up and out of the zone. I spent 5 nights in a row till 3 a.m. tinkering and adding assignments to my website. We had to do a website for class including many assignments like layer masking, creating online quizzes, screen capturing all our work, you name it. It was exhausting and challenging all at the same time.

Today I feel like an unplugged robot. My arms barely move, my legs are like water logged tree trunks, I am drained. A battery of about 4 ESL sucks at English people called about my car. Not one of them followed through on the time of arrival to see it. I pulled the ad and am keeping it another week. The State of California pays $1000 for a non operating vehicle. If these people can't get to my house on time for the deal of the century, screw it.

I am frustrated that I cannot pick up and go on holiday now. I have 1 more month of work and so does my son. My son's aunt is having a baby in July. So we need to go to Minnesota either three weeks b4 she is due or a month later. We are going to Spokane, Washington on June 18 if all goes well. all for now, too tired to finish.

Plagued dispositions of cruel friendships

When there is time to work things out and Christian effort is put forth to make a sincere approach, it is not often reciprocated. Maureen Betti-lyon and Cathy P. are two people who were in my life. I am glad Cathy is out because she does not recognize the true level of friendship. She is very judgmental herself and since youth has rejected God, the Catholic Church and the main precepts of Christianity. Maureen has a kind disposition but a lack of forgiveness towards her ex husband and others that make her constantly tortured by her own recompense. These people I have let go of, but they plague me from time to time like shadowy villians on a makeshift stage of collapsing cinder. Beneath is the sandstone and limestone where they graze like lost cattle over their doomsday past.

Maureen left her husband because he was taking energy pills and in her mind, too many. He was a route driver and needed the legal pills to get his through the work day. Right or wrong, is it enough to abandon a marriage with three kids? I just thought it was inconsequential. He wasn't cheating on her. She always evoked a sense of disapproval around him like he was not quite adequate. She frustrated him. In the end, after 20 some years of marriage, it ended abruptly and she had a boyfriend within 2 months. Most of the people who lived in Stoughton, about half of them are gone now. Cindy, who lost a child like me, left her husband, too. Karen left her husband for her physical therapist. Only Jasmine, Rochelle, and a few others remain married. I am venting now but eventually I will write a novel about Stoughton.

PROJECT GRAD LOS ANGELES

HAS BECOME WEAKER UNDER ERIK OSUGI'S LEADERSHIP. THEY HAVE BECOME VULNERABLE DUE TO FORD ROOSEVELT'S SHORTCOMINGS. AND THEY HAVE BROKEN ANY HONOR OF ACCOUNTABILITY AND THIS BLOG IS A CALL TO ACTION.