Despair

doctrine bleeding
from pre conditioned corridors
bound by ritual
broken by lease
misplaced desire
unfufilled trust
burning emblem
on the back of my jeans
breakaway to the outer banks
of the Mississippi, and Cape Fear
her soul scattered in a thousand places
her life forgotten
on the windy shore
of discomfort
pride swallowed
on Pilgrims's Rock
where only God can remember.

jdh
7.01.10

Wiseblood

I am weaving this blog from a novel by Flannery O'Connor and my former friend, Maureen. The central character in the novel is someone who used to be into Jesus but begins to display behavior that avoids Jesus due to his unrepented sin. He becomes downright ugly about denying Jesus which as Christians know is soul wrenching to do so. He almost at the level of blashpheming the Holy Spirit. He is a dark protagonist.

In a similar but not such a dramatic sense, I waited 6 years for a response from a former Stoughtonite. When I got it, it was rather raw and obtrusive....and rude. She complained about her own life in a way that I should have sensed it. She cliched herself as a tag, a miner's daughter tag. I couldn't actually have had empathy for someone who did not appear to have a pulse for six years. She insinuated I didn't have any comprehension on how I might have paid her bills. Could I have known or probed or sent a band radio signal that this was on my radar? I figured she was upset about her divorce and leave it alone. If you needed the old man around for the mortgage, why ax him?

All of these questions are blanks in mind formation in an imaginary conclave that no one could fill but her. Her, pent up and expressionless in her questioning glare in a vacant room of sixth sense apparitions. Designed in part for the world to see, her bleeding sorrow, her unforrgiveness, her concealed love.

Literary Influences

This is a link to my literary website. http://sites.google.com/site/postworldwariiwriters/ Here you will find the origin of my literary influences which continue to be.

I am currently reading Illumination and Night Glare....Carson McCuller's unfinished autobiography.

Serendipity

Its hard to pick out what one likes to do when their life is one big rollercoaster of obligation. I am a single mother of a special needs 11 year old who is intelligent but has emotional troubles. I have two jobs and have 11 credits in college. Now that college ended for the semester, I feel kind of washed up and out of the zone. I spent 5 nights in a row till 3 a.m. tinkering and adding assignments to my website. We had to do a website for class including many assignments like layer masking, creating online quizzes, screen capturing all our work, you name it. It was exhausting and challenging all at the same time.

Today I feel like an unplugged robot. My arms barely move, my legs are like water logged tree trunks, I am drained. A battery of about 4 ESL sucks at English people called about my car. Not one of them followed through on the time of arrival to see it. I pulled the ad and am keeping it another week. The State of California pays $1000 for a non operating vehicle. If these people can't get to my house on time for the deal of the century, screw it.

I am frustrated that I cannot pick up and go on holiday now. I have 1 more month of work and so does my son. My son's aunt is having a baby in July. So we need to go to Minnesota either three weeks b4 she is due or a month later. We are going to Spokane, Washington on June 18 if all goes well. all for now, too tired to finish.

Plagued dispositions of cruel friendships

When there is time to work things out and Christian effort is put forth to make a sincere approach, it is not often reciprocated. Maureen Betti-lyon and Cathy P. are two people who were in my life. I am glad Cathy is out because she does not recognize the true level of friendship. She is very judgmental herself and since youth has rejected God, the Catholic Church and the main precepts of Christianity. Maureen has a kind disposition but a lack of forgiveness towards her ex husband and others that make her constantly tortured by her own recompense. These people I have let go of, but they plague me from time to time like shadowy villians on a makeshift stage of collapsing cinder. Beneath is the sandstone and limestone where they graze like lost cattle over their doomsday past.

Maureen left her husband because he was taking energy pills and in her mind, too many. He was a route driver and needed the legal pills to get his through the work day. Right or wrong, is it enough to abandon a marriage with three kids? I just thought it was inconsequential. He wasn't cheating on her. She always evoked a sense of disapproval around him like he was not quite adequate. She frustrated him. In the end, after 20 some years of marriage, it ended abruptly and she had a boyfriend within 2 months. Most of the people who lived in Stoughton, about half of them are gone now. Cindy, who lost a child like me, left her husband, too. Karen left her husband for her physical therapist. Only Jasmine, Rochelle, and a few others remain married. I am venting now but eventually I will write a novel about Stoughton.

PROJECT GRAD LOS ANGELES

HAS BECOME WEAKER UNDER ERIK OSUGI'S LEADERSHIP. THEY HAVE BECOME VULNERABLE DUE TO FORD ROOSEVELT'S SHORTCOMINGS. AND THEY HAVE BROKEN ANY HONOR OF ACCOUNTABILITY AND THIS BLOG IS A CALL TO ACTION.

PASS HEALTH CARE REFORM

This is my letter to Brad Sherman, my congressman I wrote today to pass health care.



Thank You for Contacting Brad
The following information was received by our office.
03/19/2010 14:33
Ms. Jane Hoffman
englishcrush@yahoo.com
Your message:I am a student at Cal State Northridge. I am also a medi-cal recipient as a single parent and receive full health care as does my son. I am thankful that California provides health care to me as a low income mother. I have single friends who do not have health care and have to depend on free clinics or low cost nominal fee clinics. UCLA did dental work on my friend and messed up her teeth and she got a 15% discount. It is my desire as a low income mother and a Masters degree political science graduate to ensure that every American is as privileged as me to have accessible health care. In 1992, when I was married and I had a daughter at age 20 months who died while having heart transplant surgery, my husband and I paid our own premiums for health care with a large deductible. My husband had a salary of 25,000 as a parochial principal and I was a stay at home mom with a terminally ill child. Not until our expenses reached over $10,000 did the State of Wisconsin kick in some help. They only provided about $100 in special nutritional milk for our daughter. Our daughter died in the end of a failed heart transplant because the other heart they transplanted did not work (from cardiomyopthy - the diagnosis), but I know what getting free health care is when you are struggling vs. paying for it while still working but being low income. Health Care may not be a God -given right but if our country cares about the well being and optimal performance of our citizens, it is a mandate that Americans could pay into and support. Please hear me out. I am one of the few people who has benefited from government. I am not a free loader. I am a full time teaching credential student, a single mom and a part time worker. I know that passing health care will create more jobs and intrinsically bring more connectiveness of the people to their government. Americans feel tired upon by mean spirited Republicans who deny us any help. Sincerely, Jane Hoffman

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